In Missouri, there are guidelines that the Court must follow in making a child custody determination.  While all child custody determinations must be made in accordance with the best welfare and interests of the child, there is also a statutory and case law framework that guides the court in making the determination.  Note that when parties come to an agreement on custody, most courts take the position that the parents are in a better position to determine what is in their child's best interest, and will generally approve a joint parenting plan (although a joint parenting plan is advisory only, and the Court can make it's own determination in any case-albeit infrequently).  However, when the parents cannot agree on a parenting plan, the Court will decide the case based on the following:

Statutory Factors

1. Wishes of the parents and the proposed parenting plan submitted by the parents;
2. The needs of the child for a frequent, continuing, and meaningful relationship with both parents, and the ability and willingness of parents to actively perform their functions as mother and father for the needs of the child;
3. The interaction and interrelationship of the child with the parents, siblings, and any other person who may significantly affect the child's best interests'
4. Which parent is more likely to allow the child frequent, continuing, and meaningful contact with the other parent;
5. The child's adjustment to home, school, and community;
6. The mental and physical health of all individuals involved, including any history of abuse of any individuals involved;
7. The intention of either parent to relocate the principal residence of the child;
8. The wishes of the child as to the child's custodian.

Case law factors:

1. A good and stable home is the most important single consideration in addition to the statutory factors;
2. Stability, including frequent moves and intent to relocate;
3. Parenting skills and primary care;
4. Moral fitness as it relates to the children;
5. Adultery, sexual misconduct, and cohabitation (note however that these facts, in and of themselves, do not necessarily affect a custody decision.  There must be an effect on the child's interests)
6. Homosexuality (although, in and of itself, cannot be a basis for denying a parent custody);
7. Drug and alcohol use;
8. Attempted alienation of the child;
9. Religious beliefs;
10. Custodial preference of the child (although age of the child will affect the weight given, or if considered at all).
11. Any other relevant factors.

A child custody determination is based on evidence that is highly fact specific, and every case is different.  The above factors do not constitute a complete list, and any particular case can be decided on any one or multiple factors, depending on the situation.

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Administrative child support orders are available for the support of all eligible children, including children of citizens of other countries. Lajeunesse v. State of Missouri Department of Social Services, No. 73477 (Mo. App. W.D., October 4, 2011), Martin, J.

A child was born to a Russian citizen in West Virginia. Father was a Missouri resident and a support order was sought for the child through the Department of Social Services (DSS), which established paternity and Father’s financial responsibility for support. Mother and child now live in Russia. The Father filed a petition for judicial review and the trial court found that Department of Social Services was without jurisdiction to enter an administrative order requiring Father to pay child support. Upon Father’s motion the trial court overturned the administrative order. DSS appealed.

Held: Reversed. “. . . Father argues that unless a recipient is a resident of the State of Missouri or another state, the recipient is not eligible for child support services.”

The applicable sections of the statutes, § 454.425 and 454.400, do not provide for child support relief for only United States residents. “By its plain terms, § 454.400.2(14) is broad, requiring child support services to be provided to any other child for whom services are applied. This is in keeping with § 454.425, which also broadly permits services to be provided to all children, custodial parents, and persons entitled to receive support. A harmonious reading of § 454.425 and 454.400.2(14) indicates that the legislature intended to authorize and require DSS to provide services to any child for whom services are applied. This broad and unrestricted directive is not, by its terms or by implication, limited to residents (or citizens) of the United States.”

An agreement that maintenance will terminate “only” upon death excludes application of § 452.370 for termination of maintenance upon remarriage. Simpson v. Simpson, No. 91498 (Mo. banc, October 4, 2011), Fischer, J.

The parties were divorced in 2005. They entered into an agreement by which the Husband would pay the Wife $12,000 per month in non-modifiable maintenance for 15 years. Said maintenance was to “terminate prior to the expiration of said 15 year period only in the event of the death of either party.” In 2009, the Wife remarried. The Husband filed a motion to terminate maintenance on the basis of her remarriage. The Wife responded by filing a motion to dismiss his claim, which was granted. The Husband appealed, and the matter ended up in the Missouri Supreme Court to address the applicability of § 452.370.3, RSMo, that provides that maintenance terminates immediately upon Wife’s remarriage unless otherwise agreed in writing or expressly provided in the judgment.

Held: Affirmed. “The problem with the Husband’s argument is that he and Wife agreed in writing in the separation agreement that maintenance would terminate ‘only in the event of the death of either party.”

“[T]he use of the word ‘only’ in the separation agreement is sufficient to overcome the statutory presumption of § 452.370…”

Generally, retained earnings of closely-held corporation are corporate assets and not marital property and distributions to liquidate corporation in exchange for non-marital stock are not marital property. Short v. Short, No. 95663 (Mo. App. E.D., October 25, 2011), Sullivan, J.

This was an action for dissolution of marriage in which the parties had a prenuptial agreement. The meaning of the agreements terms were in dispute, especially regarding whether it provided that earnings derived from separate property had been excluded from marital property. Both parties appealed. As a side note, it is interesting that the parties met four days before the wedding to discuss the terms of the prenuptial agreement in detail. A draft of the agreement was first presented to the unrepresented Husband the day before the wedding. The trial court’s determination that the agreement should be upheld as valid was affirmed despite the short amount of time noted herein.

The trial court found that the agreement did not expressly exclude as non-marital property the income earned from that non-marital property during the marriage. During the marriage the Wife received several million dollars in liquidating distributions in exchange for cancellation of her non-marital stock interest in a closely-held corporation. The trial court found those distributions to be marital property.

Held: Reversed in part as to the character of the corporate liquidation payments in exchange for non-marital stock. “Evidence presented at trial showed that approximately 97% of (corporation’s) assets at the time of (corporation’s) liquidation were comprised of …̔ retained earnings.’ Generally, retained earnings of a corporation do not constitute marital property. Hoffmann v. Hoffmann, 676 S.W.2d 817, 827(Mo. banc 1984); Craig-Garner v. Garner, 77 S.W.3d 34, 38 (Mo. App. E.D. 2002). Retained earnings and profits of a corporation are a corporate asset and remain the corporation’s property until severed from other corporate assets and distributed as dividend. Hoffmann v. Hoffmann, at 827; Craig-Garner v. Garner, at 38.”

Moreover, “[t]he money Wife received as liquidating distributions from the dissolution of (corporation) was not income earned by her separate stock; rather, it was liquidated capital distributions received in exchange for, and in cancellation, of her stock in (corporation), which was her separate property.”

Source for Post:  November issue of Courts Bulletin.  A publication of the Missouri Bar

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Similar to other states, Missouri is a modified no-fault divorce state. However, there is some misconception out there about what this actually means for divorcing parties in Missouri. Modified no-fault divorce means that a party does not have to prove that their spouse committed some kind of misconduct, such as adultery, abandonment, financial, etc., in order for the court to grant the divorce. All that has to be proven, with regards to grounds, is that there is “no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved, and that the marriage is irretrievably broken”, which is basically the familiar “irreconcilable differences”.  If that is proven, or as is often the case, agreed to in the filings, the court will grant the divorce (assuming jurisdictional and procedural requirements are also met). 

However, no fault does not mean that conduct is not relevant.  Although conduct does not need to be proven to actually get the divorce, conduct, or misconduct, can have a bearing on all aspects of the case.   Conduct can affect how the court divides the property, awards spousal maintenance, awards attorney’s fees, awards custody, parenting time, and to some extent child support. Although there is usually a preference for joint custody and equal property division, “no fault” does not mean that that will be the case, and “no-fault” does not mean that everything will end up equal.  The court has to look at other standards for each particular issue in the case, and will make orders accordingly as to those issues.

It is also not required that a spouse “grant” the other spouse the divorce, however it is possible that a party could try to prove that the marriage was not actually broken and could be preserved. My thought is that if spouses are actually to the point of litigating in court, the court is probably going to find that the marriage is broken. So, modified no fault may in reality mean actual no fault, but there is still that standard of proof in all cases.

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The statute provides that, when considering whether to terminate parental rights, the circuit court must consider certain factors, as to which evidence was either absent; less than clear, cogent and convincing; or favored the parent.  Factors including whether mental condition will improve does not mean intelligence.  Whatever else may be appropriate, judgment terminating parental rights on such record is erroneous. 

The requirements that the court must consider are as follows:

(a) The terms of a social service plan entered into by the parent and the division and the extent to which the parties have made progress in complying with those terms;

(b) The success or failure of the efforts of the juvenile officer, the division or other agency to aid the parent on a continuing basis in adjusting his circumstances or conduct to provide a proper home for the child;

(c) A mental condition which is shown by competent evidence either to be permanent or such that there is no reasonable likelihood that the condition can be reversed and which renders the parent unable to knowingly provide the child the necessary care, custody and control;

(d) Chemical dependency which prevents the parent from consistently providing the necessary care, custody and control over the child and which cannot be treated so as to enable the parent to consistently provide such care, custody and control[.]

 Proof of any one of these four factors (“relevant factors”) is sufficient to establish the trial court‟s authority to terminate a parent‟s rights.

Also, the following must be considered:

(1) The emotional ties to the birth parent;

(2) The extent to which the parent has maintained regular visitation or other contact with the child;

(3) The extent of payment by the parent for the cost of care and maintenance of the child when financially able to do so including the time that the child is in the custody of the division or other child-placing agency;

(4) Whether additional services would be likely to bring about lasting parental adjustment enabling a return of the child to the parent within an ascertainable period of time;

(5) The parent‟s disinterest in or lack of commitment to the child;

(6) The conviction of the parent of a felony offense that the court finds is of such a nature that the child will be deprived of a stable home for a period of years; provided, however, that incarceration in and of itself shall not be grounds for termination of parental rights;

(7) Deliberate acts of the parent or acts of another of which the parent knew or should have known that subjects the child to a substantial risk of physical or mental harm.

In this case, the court held that there was no clear and convincing evidence that the statutory factors were not met. The entire opinion can be read here.

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The Missouri statute that mandates the continuation of child support after age 18 if the child attends college was amended in 2007, and provisions were added that are somewhat contradictory. In a recent ruling by the Missouri Court of Appeals, the Court clarified the statute, as well what will cause a child to fail to meet the credit hour requirements of the statute.

Section 452.340.5 RSMo states: If when a child reaches eighteen, . . . [i]f the child is enrolled in an institution of vocational or higher education not later than October first following graduation from a secondary school . . . and so long as the child enrolls for and completes at least twelve hours of credit each semester, not including summer semester, at an institution of vocational or higher education and achieves grades sufficient to reenroll at such institution, the parental support obligation shall continue until the child completes his or her education, or until the child reaches the age of twenty-one, whichever first occurs. . . .  

The statute goes on to provide that "[w]hen enrolled in at least twelve credit hours, if the child receives failing grades in half or more of his or her courseload in any one semester, payment of child support may be terminated and shall not be eligible for reinstatement." 

The case law until the statute was amended clearly held that a child must enroll and actually complete 12 hours of credit, and failing grades in any class could cause the child not to meet the credit hour requirement as no credit is given for a failing grade. However, the court has now clarified that the prior case law, specifically the Lombardo line of cases, is effectively overruled and now, with the addition of “failing half or more of his or her courseload” language, a failing grade no longer triggers a failure to comply with the credit-hour requirement, provided that the child does not fail half or more of their classes (if enrolled in at least 12 hours). The Court stated:

“Where a student voluntarily withdraws from a class prior to its completion, he or she clearly fails to meet the requirements of the statute that the student complete the class [12 hour requirement]. On the other hand, where a child receives a failing grade in a course, provided the child does not fail half or more of his or her classes, the child is deemed to satisfy the requirements of § 452.340.5.3” 

Interestingly, in the recent case, the child actually withdrew from the class instead of failing, but the evidence showed that the child was withdrawn by the teacher and not the student himself as a “favor” to avoid receiving a failing grade, so the Court deemed that a failing grade and treated it as such under the statute.  Outside of this exception however, it seems that a typical withdrawal will fall under the “completion” requirement of the statute.

The entire opinion can be read here

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In a recent ruling by the Missouri Court of Appeals for the Southern District, a division of property and debt where the Wife received 93% of the assets and 27% of the debts, and the Husband received 7% of the assets and 73% of the debt was reversed and remanded to the trial court for further proceedings.

It is typical in a majority of cases for the trial court to divide property and debt equally. However, the Court is not required to follow a rigid formula for property division and is not required to divide the property equally. The division must be “fair and equitable” to the parties. This means that the court has a great deal of discretion when dividing property and debts, but there must be sufficient evidence to support a disproportionate division as being fair and equitable. In determining the property division, the court must consider the economic circumstances of the parties, contributions during the marriage, the value of non-marital property, conduct during the marriage, the custodial arrangement for the children, and other factors.

In the recent case, the Court looked primarily at the conduct during the marriage, and the trial court had found that physical abuse and verbal threats had occurred which supported the disproportionate division. However, there must be evidence to show the additional financial, emotional, or other burdens placed on the aggrieved spouse due to the conduct. It is not appropriate to “punish” a spouse’s marital conduct by way of disproportionate property division, and conduct is the only factor that must be considered.

In this case, there was evidence of the misconduct, but no evidence as to how it caused additional burdens or stress on the other spouse or the marriage, financial or otherwise to support the grossly disproportionate division. The case was remanded to the trial court for further proceedings to make those findings.

SD29991-  Missouri Court of Appeals for the Southern District of Missouri

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In today’s turbulent economic climate, where job losses or reductions in income are frequent, it is critical to immediately deal with a child support order upon any significant change in income. Failure to act quickly can lead to an even greater financial disaster.  Here’s why:

• In Missouri, a child support order, regardless of whether it is administrative (Family Support Division “FSD”) or judicial (through the Courts), remains in effect until modified. This means that even if income is reduced or lost, the obligor is liable for the child support under the order, regardless of income, until a formal modification proceeding takes place. 
• It is critical to file a motion to modify immediately upon an income change as the Court only has jurisdiction to go back and adjust child support back to the date of filing. Once it is filed, the obligor can then seek temporary immediate relief from the original order, and avoid the accumulation of child support arrearages.
• Failure to modify quickly can lead to the accumulation of child support arrearages that cannot be erased, which in turn can result in civil contempt, criminal non-support, suspension of driver licenses, interception of income tax refunds, additional payments to cover the past due child support, and other unpleasant results.
• It is not required that a person wait three years to modify the child support order, even if it is an administrative order. That is just the time interval in which the FSD may, on its own, review an order for modification. A child support order is modifiable at any time by either party.
•  It is always better to consult an attorney for a judicial modification rather than going to the FSD for an administrative modification. The court has power over the FSD and can modify any administrative or judicial order much more quickly, and can issue temporary orders for relief.
•  Once a judicial motion to modify is filed, even if the obligor stops paying child support or reduces the amount paid, the party will avoid contempt charges and administrative enforcement issues, and the Court can sort out what the new child support amount should be and adjust it accordingly back to the date the motion was filed. This may result in some child support arrearages, but nowhere near what there could be without the modification on file. At this stage of the game, damage control is crucial.
• The modification action can result in attorney fees and case costs, but those typically are minimal in comparison to the savings in child support, and are almost always a wise investment.
• Care should always be taken, however, before engaging in a child support modification, and it is not a good idea to do so without consulting an attorney. Modification cases can be full of possible land mines, so care and experience are required to keep a bad situation from getting worse.

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In cases involving children, the Court must, either by agreement or by trial, set up some sort of custodial arrangement for the kids involved. There are many options available, all of which fit under a just a few legally recognized categories. There are as many if not more “definitions” of custody floating around out there that don’t actually mean anything legally. People usually have at least some idea of what it is that they are seeking in their minds, but they have trouble defining it. So here we go with a little Child Custody 101 to assist those with their initial case preparation:

Legal Custody. This is one of the two types of custody that must be determined by a Missouri Court in all cases. The legal aspect of custody means decision making and parental authority, basically. It means having the legal right to make (and participate in) any material decisions affecting the children.  Included are the choice or change of school, college, camp, or comparable summer activity, special tutoring, music, sports, art, dance, and other cultural lessons, psychological or psychiatric treatment or counseling, doctors, and surgeons; notice of illness and injury; access to school and medical records; and all other material decisions affecting the health, education, and welfare of the children. Specifically, decisions regarding educational instruction, religious instruction, health care, discipline, and child care providers are included in the model parenting plan, but anything relevant to the children could be included in the definition. Legal custody can be granted to one or both parents, but the overwhelming preference is for joint legal custody. 

Physical Custody. This is the second aspect of custody that must also be determined. Physical custody simply means the right to have actual physical possession of the children at a certain specified time. The preference is for joint physical custody, which only means that both parents have the right to physical possession of the children at certain times. The actual schedule can vary greatly, however, and this is where tailoring to the specific needs of the family is important. Joint physical custody could be an alternate weekend schedule, alternate weeks, holidays and spring break only, summertime only, 3 day/4 day, 5 day/2 day, 50/50, open ended, or whatever other schedule is appropriate for the case. Just as a note, in a 50/50 joint physical parenting schedule, reduced child support is still usually paid in some form or another.

Joint Custody. As discussed above, this is the preferred arrangement and will usually be awarded unless a physical or emotional danger to the child is demonstrated. The Court has to determine whether joint custody is appropriate as to both the legal and physical aspects of custody.

Sole Custody. This is the alternative to joint custody where only one parent is granted either all of the decision making rights (sole legal custody) or all of the physical parenting time with the other parent  being excluded completely (sole physical custody), or both. Courts are reluctant to order either of these options unless it is shown to be in the children’s best interests, which usually means that physical or emotional danger to the children will occur under any other alternative. Also, as many times as I have seen it, there is no such thing as sole physical custody to one parent along with a parenting schedule for the other parent. If both parents are to see the children, whatever the schedule, that is joint physical custody by definition.

Split Custody.  This is an arrangement where the children are “split up” between the two parents, meaning that some of the children reside with one parent while the other children reside with the other parent. This is not too common, but it does happen. Courts are usually reluctant to split up children except in the most unique of circumstances, but the parents can agree to such an arrangement if they feel it is best.

Full Custody. There is no definition of Full Custody in Missouri and it has no legal significance.  When referring to this, people are talking about some combination of the above types of custody.

Primary Custody. This is no longer a legal definition in Missouri.   Now it is called “residential address for education and mailing purposes.” It usually means the home where the children reside for the greater amount of time, and the home that is in the children’s school district. The parents are supposed to be equal so they are no longer referred to as the primary parent and the lesser parent.

Visitation. This is the time where you view the body before a funeral.  So, if you are talking about your kids, call it something else, like “parenting time”.

Hopefully, this helps to clarify a little bit, but when it comes down to it, it is still just a bunch of words on paper. Put the children first, focus on what is best for them and what will really work with your family, and don’t get too wrapped up in the terminology.  

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In a recent ruling by the Missouri Court of Appeals, in a custody modification proceeding, the trial court’s modified parenting plan delegated the authority to make all medical, educational, and extracurricular decisions for one of the parents’ two children to her “team of doctors.” The Court held that these provisions of the plan are too vague and indefinite to be enforceable in that the phrase “team of doctors” is not sufficiently definite and specific. Provisions in a judgment should be definite as indefinite provisions are unenforceable. The judgment must be sufficiently certain to be susceptible of enforcement in the manner provided by law without requiring external proof.

Although not specifically held, it was noted that  452.375.5(5)(a) allows a court to grant custody to a third party when it finds that each parent is unfit, unsuitable, or unable to be a custodian, or the welfare of the child requires, and it is in the best interests of the child. However, to do this, the court must make that third person a party to the action.  However, parents who share joint legal custody of a child or children can agree to designate a third party as a tie-breaker to resolve individual issues upon which they cannot agree, and such an arrangement does not violate section 452.375.1(2).  In this case, the “team of doctors” were not made a party to the case, and the modified parenting plan was against the weight of the evidence in that the parents did not intend to delegate to the team of doctors their authority to make educational or extracurricular decisions for their daughter.  

The entire opinion can be read here.

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The Missouri Court of Appeals for the Southern District of Missouri has just recently upheld the Missouri exemption (protection from creditors) for Tenancy by the Entirety for jointly owned property by married couples.

Tenancy by the Entireties is a special form of property ownership that Missouri, and some other states, reserved for married couples only. Tenancy by the Entireties means that a husband and wife own property as one person, and each of them owns a 100% interest in the property.  This is different than co-tenancy, where each owner only owns their respective interest in the property (such as when two unmarried people own property – they each own only their half).

It is presumed that jointly owned property by married couples is tenancy by the entirety, and the presumption can only be rebutted by evidence that there was consent, agreement, or acquiescence that the property was not owned in this way. Tenancy by the Entirety property is fully exempt from creditors of one spouse, and is exempt in bankruptcy provided that only one spouse is filing. If both spouses file bankruptcy, the exemption does not apply, and if a creditor trying to collect a judgment is a creditor of both spouses, the exemption does not apply.

In the recent ruling, a creditor had obtained a judgment in another state, registered it in Missouri, and attempted to collect the debt by seizing assets (known as execution) that were jointly owned by a married couple. The Court held that, even though there was some evidence that the property was only owned by one spouse, it was not enough to rebut the presumption of tenancy by the entirety, and the property was exempt from collection.

To read the full opinion click here.

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The following post appeared earlier this month on the South Carolina Family Law Blog.  I thought these were some great thoughts for divorcing parents to keep in mind:

While divorce proceedings may pose a great burden upon parents, they often have a disproportionate affect upon children, who may not fully understand the process. Parental separation can fundamentally shift a child's nascent world view, requiring careful steps to ensure that children are able to soundly cope with the divorce. Although the divorce itself might emerge from personal issues unrelated to children, it is crucial that parents remain focused upon helping children transition during the process:

1. Encourage open communication from your children. Although the complete scope of the process might immediately escape children, it's important that you take time to allow a child to express his or her feelings about the event. This is a way in which you can both come to understand outside viewpoints, as well as providing you with an opportunity to reach and explain the situation in a manner that resonates with the child. If you have multiple children, it's important to speak to them both individually and collectively, as each child is likely to have a different, personal response to the events unfolding, depending on their age and personality.
2. Ensure that all children have a stable social safety net throughout the process. Since the fundamental role of the family is to provide a safe setting in which children can learn and grow, it's important that one continue to provide this level of support even during parental separation. Ensure that children are in a safe environment and remain outside any legal or argumentative environments that might surround the divorce; if you understand with your spouse around children, remain friendly and amicable, independent of your internal feelings. Always reach out to your broader, extended social network so that children feel comfortable – allow them to spend time with friends, relatives and counselors so that they have feelings of stability in spite of the changes around them.
3. Maintain continuity in your own personal life so that you can remain a strong parent.  In order to help children cope with a divorce, it's important that one ensure stability in all facets of life, from work to friendships. By maintaining an equilibrium in your life, you can ensure that you'll bring a balanced approach to keeping your life in order so that you can remain strong for your children. It may be beneficial to spend time with a counselor so that you can work through any anxiety or feelings that you have, in order to ensure a proper outlet for those emotions; while it's okay to express yourself around children, one should also ensure that emotions are kept in check and expressed in a structured fashion so children feel comfortable. In order to help children remain strong during a divorce, each parent has to be strong independently.
4. Keep legal challenges outside of the child's daily life.  Although court proceedings are a core part of any divorce, children should not have to grasp the details of the legal fight. Instead, keep the legal details separate from your relationship with your children. When working out a legal settlement, always keep the best interests of your children in mind, as those considerations should trump any financial or situational disputes that might arise in the proceedings. Even during the direct divorce proceedings, ensure that you have enough time to devote to nurturing and taking care of your children.
5. Allow children an expressive outlet to ensure their lives are well-balanced.  While no divorce is fun for children, it's important to ensure that children continue to have elements of joy in their life, from celebrating parties with friends to enjoying time off from school on the weekends. Take time away from the bustle of daily life to take your children to a park or to a nice dinner out with relatives so that they can continue to find enjoyment in life, in spite of the larger situation.

Thanks to the South Carolina Family Law Blog for this post.

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On August 20, 2008 the Advisory Commitee of the Supreme Court of Missouri issued a formal opinion that the practice of Collaborative law, a form of practice where clients agree from the outset to settle their case out of court through negotiation rather than litigation, is ethical and permissible in Missouri. 

In the area of family law, both parties and their attorneys formally agree that no documents will be filed with the court until the case is resolved.  Rather than taking a course of litigation, where papers are filed and served, discovery is exchanged, and the case is prepared for trial, the parties negotiate in a series of 4 way open discussions.  In these discussions, the parties agree not to go to court, or even threaten to, and all information is exchanged freely and openly to assist the attorneys in resolving the case in a cooperative manner.  In the rare event that the case is not settled, both parties must retain new trial counsel and the collaborative attorneys must withdraw.

The primary concern of the Advisory Committee was that the client understand the pros and cons of the collaborative process and sign a written consent and contract providing that the attorney has no choice but to withdraw should the case not settle.

Collaborative family law has been around for many years, and is quickly gaining momentum and popularity in Missouri as a superior way to resolve domestic relations cases

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As most people know, the California Supreme Court recently ruled that the state's ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional.  So what does that mean for Missourians? 

• In California, there were two statutes that said that a marriage is between a man and a woman, which was interpreted to prohibit same sex marriage.  The Supreme Court ruled those statutes to be unconstitutional under the California Constitution (not the federal).   It is now legal for same sex couples to marry in California.

• Missouri is different.  In Missouri, rather than a statutory ban on same-sex marriage, we have a constitutional amendment (2004) that defines marriage as being only between a man and a woman, and marriages between same-sex couples are not recognized.  There is also a federal statute in play called the Federal Defense of Marriage Act which permits Missouri (and other states) to deny full faith and credit to the marriage laws of another state.  This means that Missouri does not have to recognize a same-sex marriage that is perfectly legal in California since it is inconsistent with Missouri law.  The federal law's constitutionality has not been fully challenged yet.

• Taken together, it is presumed that if a same sex married couple moved to Missouri, or Missourians went to California to get married and returned to Missouri, their marriage would not be recognized.

• This also means that same-sex married couples could not obtain a divorce in Missouri because there would be no jurisdiction for the courts.  Thus, dissolution of marriage laws that control child custody, visitation, support, maintenance, and property division would presumably not apply.

• In the event of a separation the couple would probably have to file an action under the Uniform Parentage Act (commonly known as a paternity action currently) to determine custody, visitation, and child support issues if adopted children are involved.

• Same sex couples may want to utilize prenuptial agreements, antenuptial agreements, contracts, and other documentation to control the disposition of assets, including real estate, personal property, bank accounts, securities, business interests, etc.

Source for Post:  mobar.org Esq. soundbite. 

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Princeton encourages it. Harvard’s a big fan. From Tufts to MIT, some of the most prestigious universities in the nation are urging students to consider something that would make most parents cringe: The idea of putting off college for a year in favor of some much-needed down-time. 

It’s called a “gap year.” And while it’s been a common and popular rite of passage in Australia and the U.K. for decades, the concept is now starting to gain significant steam here in America.

Why? A growing number of high school seniors are balking at riding the academic conveyer belt from preschool, all the way to university. They’re burnt out. Or not quite ready. Or they want to explore a few interests before deciding what to study in college. So instead of packing their bags in anticipation of freshman year, they’re volunteering in New Orleans or teaching in Thailand. They’re starting the great American novel, or interning to help figure out what they want to do with their lives.

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Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following is the third installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.  

9.     Child Abuse Allegations

It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse.  For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching.  Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.

10.     Custody Fights

Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive.  Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.

11.     Child Support

Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse.  In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.

12.     Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards

A custodial parent might say "i want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late.  A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home.  Children are sensitive to inconsistencies.  They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.

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Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following is the second installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.  See the March10 post below for tips 1-4.

5.     Sabotaging the Child's Routine

When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts.  conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes.  This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.

6.     Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures

One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient", "too strict", "too involved", or "not involved enough".  Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures' by being the opposite kind of parent.  Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.

7.     Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood

A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent.  such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.

8.     Being an Accomplice to Whining

A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent.  If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.

The remaining 4 tips will appear in a future post

Source for Post:  James Roberts, RSW and the Kansas City Metropolitan Bar Association

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Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.

Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!

1.     Bad Mouthing

One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence.  Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing"

2.     Forcing a Child To Choose

It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents.  Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have.  If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.

3.     Spying

A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts.  Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.

4.     Making the Child the Messenger

Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent.  Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication

The remainder of James Robert's list will be posted to this blog in two future articles.

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Child-rearing is often a sensitive and complicated issue for couples, and many argue about just how to properly raise their young. But for children, major parental disagreement is a source of mixed messages and confusion that may undermine the attitudes, values and behaviors parents hope to teach. Stacy DeBroff, president of the popular parenting website Momcentral.com, offers smart solutions on how to keep chaos at bay.

Parenting disagreements? Threatening the well being of our marriages and our kids? Yep, welcome to the brave new world of today's parenting: with shifting social roles for Mom and Dad, pressure to raise fabulous kids while supposedly being their best friends, and strong parenting preferences by both Mom and Dad.

When most of us were growing up, Mom and Dad held more traditional roles, with Mom typically a housewife and Dad the breadwinner and stern disciplinarian. "Just wait until your Father gets home!" my brother and I got warned on a daily basis. Not so today, as Moms announce in the kitchen, "I do not care what your Dad said! There is no macaroni and cheese for breakfast in this house or TV after dinner. Period." For men and women alike with children, parenting has emerged as a primary focus. And along with the laser-like focus on children has emerged a virtual cauldron of boiling and brewing parental disagreements.

Trend spotting helps here to see the shifting in parenting styles. Long gone are those June Cleaver days when women considered themselves first and foremost as "housewives." Moms are focusing on being "stay-at-home Moms," we have entered the workplace in record numbers, and Dads have become the most involved parents in history. Plus, ask most Moms and Dad and they will announce how they want to be "best friends" with their children. So much for children being seen and not heard!

When Mom and Dad disagree over even minor parenting issues: the repercussions echo throughout the whole next day and the whole family. For instance if Dad lets the kids stay up way past bedtime, you have Mom at home with an entire day of dealing with a grumpy, tired, unhappy kid or one who resents your more stringent rules. Or it's the working Moms who get reports from a babysitter, the preschool, the teachers, and the after-school about a tired child who is acting out. As parents, Moms rely on having a united front.

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I came across the following article on  about.com, and I thought that it contained some excellent points and considerations for those who are not only thinking of getting married or have been recently married, but evn for those of us who have been married for several years.  Of course, as a divorce attorney I see a lot of the intimate details of people's family life, and the lack of compatibility and/or planning of some married couples never ceases to amaze me.  No matter how you look at it, marriage is a serious, life changing decision, and it should not be taken lightly.  There is a reason that over half of all marriages end in diovrce, and many shouldn't have to.  I encourage everyone to think about these things, and thanks to authors Sheri and Bob Stritof for their insight.

Discuss These Issues Before Walking Down the Aisle

Many marriage education experts caution that when couples believe in the myths of "happily-ever-after" or "love conquers all," problems in the marital relationship may surface within a short time after the wedding.

The success or failure of your marriage relationship may hinge on how well you deal with issues such as finances, sexuality, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, leisure time, family of origin, spirituality, expectations, and chores.

Even though you may be very busy with wedding preparations, it is critical that you make time to prepare for your life time together by exploring your relationship in more depth.

Communication, along with a willingness to grow closer together, is one of the keys to a successful marriage.

General Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

·                                 Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.

·                                 What do we as a couple want out of life?

·                                 Do you have a criminal record?

Family of Origin Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

·                                 What was your childhood like?

·                                 Was your family an affectionate one?

·                                 Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?

·                                 What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?

·                                 What do you like and dislike about your family?

Self Image Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

·                                 How would you describe yourself?

·                                 How do you think I see you?

·                                 Am I a jealous person?

·                                 Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?

·                                 How important is affirmation to me?

·                                 Do I handle compliments well?

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The following post is information for clients who have paternity or custody actions pending in Eastern or Western Jackson county Missouri about the PTLA program which is required by the Court.

PTLA (Parenting Together Living Apart) is a parent educational program designed to teach parents who have never been married to each other but have children together the value of co-parenting their child(ren) cooperatively so as to maximize the healthy emotional development of their child(ren). This program is most effective when utilized prior to mediation. There is no cost for attendance.

Program Objectives:

• Parents will have a better understanding of the importance of co-parenting.
• Parents will practice positive communication skills.
• Parents will learn about child development states in parental conflict.
• Parents will increase positive parenting skills to work with each other cooperatively.

PTLA Curriculum:

• Parental responsibilities
• Children’s basic needs
• Why children need both parents
• Emotional reactions to the lost relationship
• Children’s developmental states in parental conflict
• Paternity establishment
• Positive co-parenting
• Effective communication skills
• Responsive discipline
• Parenting time suggestions

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Considering the fact that financial issues are a significant cause of stress on the family, I thought the following article, recently published at msnbc.com provided some very useful information.  It is republished below:

Most Americans have no emergency savings, a new survey shows. The findings are consistent with a host of other surveys and government data that chronicle Americans' abysmal savings rate and, more important, our lack of preparedness for life's unexpected events.

Released Monday at a press conference designed to call attention to "America Saves Week," the survey by the Consumer Federation of America and other consumer agencies indicates that only 40 percent of adult Americans maintain separate emergency savings accounts. And about one-third of those savers have set aside less than $2,000 for that inevitable rainy day.

Even $2,000 is considerably less than the 3- to 6-months of living expenses that most personal finance advocates recommend as an emergency kitty. Coincidentally, it is exactly the amount Hurricane Katrina victims received in "expedited assistance" aid from the federal government in the days after the storm. Thousands of victims didn't get the benefits because of computer glitches and other technicalities, and many of them were left with nearly no means of support after their homes and jobs were washed out by the storm. The Katrina aftermath shined a harsh light on the financial preparedness of many American consumers.

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FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — The melodramatic legal fallout from Anna Nicole Smith's death shifted Friday from where to bury the former Playboy Playmate to who gets custody of her baby, who could inherit millions.

Attorneys for Larry Birkhead, the photographer who claims to have fathered 5-month-old Dannielynn, planned to ask a Florida family court judge to enforce a California court's order that the infant's DNA be tested to prove paternity.

Smith's boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, also claim to be the father. Stern is listed as Dannielynn's father on the birth certificate.

On Thursday, a sometimes blubbering judge gave Richard Milstein, the court-appointed lawyer for Dannielynn, the power to resolve a dispute between Stern and Virgie Arthur, Smith's estranged mother, over where to bury Smith.

Milstein said she would be buried in the Bahamas next to her son, but gave no time frame.

In a bizarre, rambling statement from the bench, Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin choked up frequently but made it clear what he felt should be done.

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LOS ANGELES (AP) — Britney Spears' decision to check into rehab could help her in court as she to tries to retain custody of her two young children with estranged husband Kevin Federline, according to family law attorneys. That is, of course, if she actually completes a rehab program.

When Spears checked into Promises Malibu drug and alcohol rehabilitation center Thursday, it was said to be the third time in a week she has checked into a rehab center.

"It actually may reflect well on her that she's now gone back, if she stays and sees herself through the program," said Jason Adess, a family law attorney in Chicago. "That way she can present to the court that she has an issue, she has acknowledged the issue, she has gotten help and now she is able to resume primary custody of the children."

Spears' manager, Larry Rudolph, confirmed in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday that Spears is in the Malibu center. He provided no further details.

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LOS ANGELES (AP) — As Britney Spears was checking out of rehab for the second time in a week on Wednesday, her estranged husband was making plans to go to court amid a custody dispute over their two children.

Kevin Federline and his lawyer were scheduled to appear at a downtown courthouse Thursday for an emergency hearing, Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini told The Associated Press. It was not known what issue Federline planned to raise.

Federline and Spears have two sons, 5-month-old Jayden James and 17-month-old Sean Preston.

"Our best information is he will be here; she won't," said Parachini. "But anything is possible."

Federline filed papers seeking spousal support and sole custody of the children after Spears sought to end their two-year marriage last November. A temporary court order issued Feb. 1 granted the couple joint custody until the end of this month.

article published by www.courttv.com

Parachini said Federline's lawyer would try to persuade a Superior Court commissioner that the matter is urgent enough to be handled on an expedited basis.

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Trial Court erred in failing to follow two-step procedure for determining Child support. Child's SSI from Father's disability does not constitute income to Father or credit for Mother. Evidence did not support imputation of income to Father. Child's conduct toward Mother does not support a reduction in Mother's obligation to Child, absent evidence of interference in their relationship.
Mark W. Gerlach, Appellant, v. Linda A. (Gerlach) Adair, Respondent. Missouri Court of Appeals Western District

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The Kansas Family Law Blog had a great posting recently about the deductibility of attorney's fees, which I have set forth below.  For more information on this issue, see the tax archives of this blog

It’s that time of year again. Of course, the general rule is that lawyers’ fees and costs in connection with obtaining a divorce are not tax deductible. As with many general rules, there are exceptions:

1. Attorneys’ fees related to tax advice. I.R.C. §212(3). Areas having tax implications upon which an attorney may offer advice include the tax effect of the distribution of property, including retirement plans, tax deductibility of interest payments or installments to effectuate an equitable distribution of property, the allocation of the dependency exemption and child tax credit, whether a joint tax return should be filed, the tax effect of unallocated maintenance and child support, the tax implications of the form of alimony, and advice regarding the recapture of front end loaded maintenance in the first three years following separation.

Practice tip: it is not helpful for the client wishing to tax deduct some attorney fees to have a provision in the marital settlement agreement that no tax advice was given.

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Presumed correct support amount even if daycare paid separately. John Mitalovich, Appellant, v. Tammy Lee Toomey, Respondent, No. 87755 (Mo. App. E.D., November 21, 2006, Ahrens, P.J.
  This summary is strictly for the purpose of noting the proper findings in a judgment as to the presumed correct support amount for child support when work-related child care costs are being paid separately by the parties.
  Form 14 provides for allocation of the reasonable work-related child care costs of the custodial parent. Harrison v. Harrison, 871 S.W.2d 644 (Mo. App. 1994). In the present case, the trial court was required to either allocate that child care cost in conformity with the Form 14, or make a finding that the award of such an amount was unjust or inappropriate. Id. The trial court found that mother required daycare for the minor child, and there was evidence in the record to support this testimony. Therefore, the court was required to include that cost in the Form 14 calculation. (Emphasis added).

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The following are some infomative and useful tips on the sale of a residence in divorce from divorcehq.com

For many people going through a divorce their biggest asset is their home or in legal speak, the marital residence. Deciding what to do about the marital residence is often a major issue in a divorce. There are a few different options when it comes to splitting the marital residence.

One option is for one spouse to keep the house and buy out the other spouse's share. Another option is for one spouse to be granted exclusive use for a specified period of time, usually when the youngest child turns 18, after which the house will be sold. Finally, the house can be sold outright with the profits being allocated to each spouse.

Should you sell your house? Hard as it may be this is a decision that needs to be made devoid of emotions. As a practical matter take into consideration whether or not it is financially beneficial to keep the home. If not and you do decide to sell here are a few tips to help you through the process.

Time is money: Put your home on the market as far in advance as possible of purchasing a new one. Remember that when people buy and sell a home there usually is a domino effect. Closing and moving dates have to be coordinated, and the more firmly everyone commits to a window of dates and sticks to them, the better for all involved. Put all agreements about dates in writing, and protect yourself by negotiating financial penalties for failure to live up to the agreement.

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mvparents.com recently posted this article to help parents to initiate conversation and enhance communication with their children.  Below are some very helpful tips to keep communication going in your family.

Sometimes getting a teenager to talk is harder than getting a cat to follow instructions. And when things aren’t going well, talking sounds more like shouting. Nothing you say seems to register.

But it’s not always that way. Just when you least expect it, your kids share something unexpected and you rediscover the joy of glancing into the world of a maturing young adult.

Ideas you can use every day

Stay connected

• Talk about the everyday stuff every day — If your kids learn they can trust you with the “little stuff,” they’re more likely to come to you about the “big stuff.”
• Create times for talking — Expect everyone to have a family meal together. Turn off the music while you’re driving around. Play a board game instead of watching television.
• Be approachable — If kids think they’ll get a lecture or be judged every time they bring up an idea or a personal experience, they’ll shut down. Try to listen without judging and to ask questions without accusing. Show that you understand what your children are feeling by sharing similar experiences.
• Take concerns seriously — Sometimes it’s easy to dismiss children’s concerns or worries because, from an adult perspective, they’re not important. Don’t; don’t take them lightly, laugh at or tease them. If it’s important to your children, empathize and listen. They’ll learn that they can come to you about other things—some of which you’ll think are really important.
• Don’t wait — You don’t have to wait for an “important” conversation to have a good conversation. Find times to talk with your children every day about little stuff and big stuff and when you do talk, really listen to what they have to say.

Be intentional

• Wait — Whether they’re tired or upset, sometimes your children aren’t ready to talk. Give yourself and your children time and space, but don’t make it an excuse to avoid conversation.
• Listen for more than the words — What your children are “saying” may not come out in words. It may show through body language, tone or other actions. Listen carefully and try to understand the feelings behind the words, not just the words themselves.
• Think through the tough conversations — Sometimes you need to have difficult conversations. When the time comes, think it through in advance. What do you want to say? What questions do you need to ask? What can you do to make it go as well as possible?

Be creative

• Do something else — Many people don’t like “just talking.” They have better conversations when they’re shooting hoops, putting together a puzzle, hiking in the mountains or doing a service project together. Doing things together that both you and your children enjoy may be the best way to get a conversation going.
• Communicate without talking — There are lots of ways to communicate that you care besides talking. If your children don’t want to talk, leave a caring note, send a friendly email or just sit by their bed and give a backrub. You won’t have to say anything to communicate a lot.

Keep perspective

• Give time — Sometimes kids need space to work through things and figure out who they are. Give them time and space, but always let them know you’re there, you care and you’re ready to listen.
• Be patient — Sometimes you and your children will say things you regret. Other times you’ll miss opportunities for a great conversation. Relax, it’s perfectly normal. Despite the fact that you may already have a hard time talking, remember that you can always start a new conversation, even a simple one, that can help get you back on track. Learn. Forgive. And try again.

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Divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss. Kids - and parents - grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially grieve the loss of the presence of a parent. That's why some kids - even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them - still hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your child will come to some sort of acceptance of the changed circumstances.

So, how can you decrease the stress your child feels over the changes brought on by divorce? Mainly by learning to respond to his or her expressions of emotion. Here are some ways divorcing parents can help their children:

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From cnn.com

TRENTON, New Jersey (CNN) -- In a decision likely to stoke the contentious election-year debate over same-sex marriage, the New Jersey Supreme Court has ruled that state lawmakers must provide the rights and benefits of marriage to gay and lesbian couples.

The high court on Wednesday gave legislators six months to either change state marriage laws to include same-sex couples, or come up with another mechanism, such as civil unions, that would provide the same protections and benefits.

The court's vote was 4-to-3. But the ruling was more strongly in favor of same-sex marriage than that split would indicate. The three dissenting justices argued the court should have extended full marriage rights to homosexuals, without kicking the issue back to legislators.

Advocates of same-sex marriage hailed the decision, a respite from many defeats this year in courts nationwide.

"That is wonderful news," said Cindy Meneghin, one of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit by seven same-sex couples that prompted Wednesday's decision. "We can only hope that that means marriage, because that is the only way they can give us full equality."  

Garden State Equality, a gay rights group, announced that three state legislators plan to introduce a bill to legalize same-sex marriage. In an e-mail to supporters, the chairman of the group, Steven Goldstein, vowed that only "over our dead bodies will we settle for less than 100 percent marriage equality."

The rest of this article can be read at www.cnn.com/2006/US/10/25/gay.marriage/index.html

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The Following practical tips are offered by New York Times/about.com author Jennifer Wolf on how to get through your first year as a single parent.

1. Develop a Support Network
   This is absolutely crucial. You need to know who you can depend on right now. Most likely, this network includes your immediate family and friends, but think about other people in your life who might also help you. Making an actual list of who these people are can help remind you that you're not alone. In addition, consider joining a formal support group for single parents.
2. Ask for Help
   This is one of the most difficult things to do. But there are people around you who would love to help! Keep in mind that allowing others to help you is a gift to yourself and to the person assisting you. Sharing in one another’s lives during difficult times affirms our human connection and brings a sense of purpose to everyday living.
3. Schedule Time to be Alone
   Time is a very powerful tool. It will bring you healing, hope, and perspective. Right now, it’s important that you create pockets of time in your life when you can just be. Time when you’re not accountable for completing a task or responding to questions. Time to sit, to think, to ponder.
4. Think Outside the Box
   If finding time to yourself sounds impossible, consider some creative solutions, like swapping babysitting time with a neighbor or waking up a half-hour before the rest of your household. The time that you give yourself is precious, and it will be fruitful in helping you to establish reserves of inner strength.
5. Be Present with Your Kids
   When you're with your children, make an effort to be emotionally present with them. It would be easy to retreat into your heart right now, but this is a time when your children truly need you more than ever. Simple activities like playing a board game or taking a walk together can go along way toward communicating the message that life will go on and they will, indeed, be okay.
6. Get the Facts About Your Situation
   You might be tempted to make quick decisions right now about where to live and how to handle your finances. However, ignorance in this area can be extremely dangerous, and so can making rash, uninformed decisions. For now, take the time to find out where you stand financially. Gather the necessary papers in order so that when you are emotionally ready to make changes, you'll be prepared and able to make informed decisions.
7. Grieve
   Expressing your feelings is important to your overall health. Consider writing in a journal or scheduling a regular "date" with a friend to vent, cry, and grieve. Single parents are born of many different situations. Whether you've experienced the loss of a spouse, the end of a marriage, or an adjustment to the dream you once held for your life, it is important to grieve and process the loss before moving on.
8. Pay Attention to your Physical Health
   This may be a time when you are feeling especially worn down and drained. Combat that by making the effort to eat healthy foods and choose energizing ways to fuel your body. Instead of relying on extra caffeine, try taking a walk at lunchtime. Additionally, getting adequate rest is crucial to your healing and ability to cope. Forgo the temptation to sit in front of the TV. Instead, read a book and retire early.
9. Identify What Gives You Strength
   In the past, how have you handled challenging times in your life? What most energizes you and reminds you that you possess the strength needed to meet the current challenge? Focus on what has worked for you in the past.
10. Let Go of What Isn't Working
    Likewise, let go of what has not worked for you. As you move through this first year, reflect on the habits and choices that have not served you well, and decide to change them. In addition, if there are things from the past that you cannot change, let go of unhealthy guilt and remorse.
11. Focus on the Positive
    This is a time of new growth in your life. Take the time to think about the things that are going well for you. Having a positive attitude - even in the midst of extreme circumstances - can empower you to move ahead and provide your children with a tangible example of the coping strategies you want them to adopt.

Source for Post: singleparents.about.com

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The following are some tips for communicating with with your child during and after divorce.  Thanks to the folks at  divorcesupport.com for this great information

Remember to be as open as possible, which will reinforce and even enhance your trust for one another. Many parents find that they do communicate better during divorce and/or separation because it is the first time in a while that they were forced to have meaningful conversations. This is not necessarily the reason in your case, but divorce and/or separation can create a stronger parent-child bond. Communicating effectively with your child actually gives him or her the sense of greater responsibility and respect. In conversation, be sure to listen and allow your child to express his or her own opinions.

Strategies and Tactics to Improve or Continue Good Communication:

- Pick a place where you both feel comfortable.

- Never criticize the other parent in conversation. This includes all body gestures, like the rolling of the eyes or shrugging.

- Stay calm when things get a little heated and avoid quick irrational responses.

- Never use threats or ultimatums.

- Stay on the topic of conversation. If another issue comes up, write it down and discuss it at a later time.

- Look, don’t just listen, for your response. Facial Expressions are as telling as words.

- Do not interrupt your child.

- Do not talk down to your child as if he or she does not understand.

- Avoid saying, “If you were older you would know what I am talking about”, because your child will interpret this as your excuse for being wrong.

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Divorce is stressful for parents and children alike. Although children's emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of the divorce, many children experience feelings of sadness, anger, and anxiety - and it's not uncommon for these feelings to be expressed in their behavior. Often, the child's emotional reaction can be quite different than the parent's, and it's important to understand these differences. For example, a parent may feel a sense of relief that a difficult period is coming to some resolution, whereas the child may feel a sense of loss.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child during a divorce. By minimizing the stress the situation creates and responding openly and honestly to your child's concerns, you can help your child through this difficult time.

As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your child about your decision to divorce. Although there's no easy way to break the news, both parents should be present when a child is told, and feelings of anger, guilt, or blame should be left out of the conversation. At best, this is a difficult message to communicate, but if you handle it sensitively, you can help make it less painful for your child.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to your child's age and development, all children should receive the same basic message: "Mommy and Daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we're not happy and have decided we'd be happier apart. What happened occurred between us, but we will always be your parents and we will always be there to love and take care of you."

It's important to emphasize that your child is in no way to blame for the breakup and that the unhappiness is not related to him or her. Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents' marriages, and they need to be reminded frequently that it is not their fault. Finally, your child may question whether your love for him or her is temporary (because it was with your spouse); reassure your child that even though you're getting a divorce, you love him or her permanently and unconditionally.

When it comes to answering questions about your divorce, it's important to give kids enough information so that they're prepared for the upcoming changes in their lives but not so much that it frightens them. Try to keep your feelings neutral and answer your child's questions in an age-appropriate way and as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids don't need to know all the details; they just need to know enough to understand clearly that although divorce means separating from a spouse, it doesn't mean parents are divorcing their kids.

Not all children react the same way when told their parents are divorcing. Some ask questions, some cry, and some have no initial response at all. For kids who seem upset when you break the news, it's important for parents to let them know that they recognize and care about their feelings and to reassure them that it's OK to cry.

For example, you might say, "I know this is upsetting for you, and I can understand why," or "We both love you and are so sorry that our problems are causing you to feel this way." If your child doesn't have an emotional reaction right away, let him or her know that there will be other times to talk.

Most children are concerned with how the divorce will affect them:

• Who will I live with?
• Will I move?
• Where will Mommy live or where will Daddy live?
• Will I go to a new school?
• Will I still get to see my friends?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?

Be honest when addressing your child's concerns and remind him or her that the family will get through this, even though it may take some time.

Source for Post: www.kidshealth.org

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