Princeton encourages it. Harvard’s a big fan. From Tufts to MIT, some of the most prestigious universities in the nation are urging students to consider something that would make most parents cringe: The idea of putting off college for a year in favor of some much-needed down-time. 

It’s called a “gap year.” And while it’s been a common and popular rite of passage in Australia and the U.K. for decades, the concept is now starting to gain significant steam here in America.

Why? A growing number of high school seniors are balking at riding the academic conveyer belt from preschool, all the way to university. They’re burnt out. Or not quite ready. Or they want to explore a few interests before deciding what to study in college. So instead of packing their bags in anticipation of freshman year, they’re volunteering in New Orleans or teaching in Thailand. They’re starting the great American novel, or interning to help figure out what they want to do with their lives.

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Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following is the third installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.  

9.     Child Abuse Allegations

It is becoming common for conflicting parents to express their hostilities by making unfounded allegations of child abuse.  For children the consequences of these allegations are negative and far-reaching.  Children are drawn into evaluations, investigations, and court testimony which greatly increase the risk of prolonged confusion, hurt, and anger.

10.     Custody Fights

Some parents pursue custody fights when they know perfectly well that the real reason for the custody action is to be vindictive.  Children experience custody battles between their parents as extremely stressful.

11.     Child Support

Parents too often use child support by withholding it, demanding more, or making payments late when the real motivation is to perpetuate a dispute with the former spouse.  In many homes children suffer directly when child support payments are not made regularly or when conflict is expressed indirectly in this way.

12.     Using Noble Ideas to Hide Double Standards

A custodial parent might say "i want her to make her own decisions" when a child refused to visit the non-custodial parent but strictly enforce curfews when the same child wants to stay out late.  A custodial parent might say "He has the right to his own feelings" if a child says critical things about his non-custodial parent but lecture and browbeat the same child for "talking back" at home.  Children are sensitive to inconsistencies.  They react to them with mistrust and cynicism.

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Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following is the second installment of tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.  See the March10 post below for tips 1-4.

5.     Sabotaging the Child's Routine

When parents fail to give a child medication, fail to follow through on discipline imposed by the other parent, or bend rules on bed-time, diet, or curfews out of anger for the other parent, they are involving the child in parental conflicts.  conflicted parents frequently take their children to medical professionals without consulting the other parents as a way of acting out unresolved divorce disputes.  This practice places parental conflict above the child's medical well-being.

6.     Compensating for the Other Parent's Failures

One divorced parent may view the other parent as a poor parent for being "too lenient", "too strict", "too involved", or "not involved enough".  Such parents often try to compensate for the other parent's "failures' by being the opposite kind of parent.  Children in such situations suffer by not having parents who are using a balanced approach to rearing children.

7.     Making a Popularity Contest of Parenthood

A parent may try to win the affection of a child out of fear that the child favors the other parent.  such parents go overboard to "be nice" or refrain from being firm with their children. Children suffer in these situations by not having the advantage of a parent who is acting in the proper role of authority figure.

8.     Being an Accomplice to Whining

A parent may allow a child to complain about the other parents without helping the child see a more balanced view of the other parent.  If the parents either passively accepts the complaint or fails to urge the children to take up these grievances with the other parent they subtly encourage children to use indirect communication as a way of managing conflict.

The remaining 4 tips will appear in a future post

Source for Post:  James Roberts, RSW and the Kansas City Metropolitan Bar Association

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Every divorcing parent should make it their top priority to keep their children from getting caught in the middle of the conflict of their divorce.  The following tips and thoughts are from James Roberts, RSW, a licensed social worker  in Missouri and Kansas and family therapist in Kansas.  Mr. Roberts practices with Madison Avenue Psychological Services in Kansas City Missouri.

Parents who are either in the middle of a divorce, thinking about divorce, or already divorced should pay careful attention to the following ways that parents put their children directly in the middle of the conflict, and do their best to avoid them!

1.     Bad Mouthing

One of the most hurtful things a divorce parent can do to a child is to criticize the child's other parent in the child's presence.  Statements such as "Your father caused our divorce", or "if it weren't for your mother, we'd still be a family," are common examples of "bad-mouthing"

2.     Forcing a Child To Choose

It is harmful to pressure a child to "take sides" in a dispute between the divorced parents.  Children have a right to their own thoughts and feelings about the divorce and deserve to know they will be loved by both parents regardless of the opinions and feelings they have.  If parents are in conflict over custody and children are facing a decision about which home to live in outside professionals should be called upon for help.

3.     Spying

A parent who asks a child questions about the other parent's personal life is asking that child to become involved in the parents' conflicts.  Children in this situation may end up feeling they have betrayed a parent they love.

4.     Making the Child the Messenger

Parents make their children do a parent's job when they ask their children to carry messages to the other parent.  Children learn indirect ways to communicate when asked to be messengers and may feel guilt over having to assume adult responsibilities for their parents' communication

The remainder of James Robert's list will be posted to this blog in two future articles.

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Child-rearing is often a sensitive and complicated issue for couples, and many argue about just how to properly raise their young. But for children, major parental disagreement is a source of mixed messages and confusion that may undermine the attitudes, values and behaviors parents hope to teach. Stacy DeBroff, president of the popular parenting website Momcentral.com, offers smart solutions on how to keep chaos at bay.

Parenting disagreements? Threatening the well being of our marriages and our kids? Yep, welcome to the brave new world of today's parenting: with shifting social roles for Mom and Dad, pressure to raise fabulous kids while supposedly being their best friends, and strong parenting preferences by both Mom and Dad.

When most of us were growing up, Mom and Dad held more traditional roles, with Mom typically a housewife and Dad the breadwinner and stern disciplinarian. "Just wait until your Father gets home!" my brother and I got warned on a daily basis. Not so today, as Moms announce in the kitchen, "I do not care what your Dad said! There is no macaroni and cheese for breakfast in this house or TV after dinner. Period." For men and women alike with children, parenting has emerged as a primary focus. And along with the laser-like focus on children has emerged a virtual cauldron of boiling and brewing parental disagreements.

Trend spotting helps here to see the shifting in parenting styles. Long gone are those June Cleaver days when women considered themselves first and foremost as "housewives." Moms are focusing on being "stay-at-home Moms," we have entered the workplace in record numbers, and Dads have become the most involved parents in history. Plus, ask most Moms and Dad and they will announce how they want to be "best friends" with their children. So much for children being seen and not heard!

When Mom and Dad disagree over even minor parenting issues: the repercussions echo throughout the whole next day and the whole family. For instance if Dad lets the kids stay up way past bedtime, you have Mom at home with an entire day of dealing with a grumpy, tired, unhappy kid or one who resents your more stringent rules. Or it's the working Moms who get reports from a babysitter, the preschool, the teachers, and the after-school about a tired child who is acting out. As parents, Moms rely on having a united front.

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I came across the following article on  about.com, and I thought that it contained some excellent points and considerations for those who are not only thinking of getting married or have been recently married, but evn for those of us who have been married for several years.  Of course, as a divorce attorney I see a lot of the intimate details of people's family life, and the lack of compatibility and/or planning of some married couples never ceases to amaze me.  No matter how you look at it, marriage is a serious, life changing decision, and it should not be taken lightly.  There is a reason that over half of all marriages end in diovrce, and many shouldn't have to.  I encourage everyone to think about these things, and thanks to authors Sheri and Bob Stritof for their insight.

Discuss These Issues Before Walking Down the Aisle

Many marriage education experts caution that when couples believe in the myths of "happily-ever-after" or "love conquers all," problems in the marital relationship may surface within a short time after the wedding.

The success or failure of your marriage relationship may hinge on how well you deal with issues such as finances, sexuality, communication, conflict, parenting, in-laws, leisure time, family of origin, spirituality, expectations, and chores.

Even though you may be very busy with wedding preparations, it is critical that you make time to prepare for your life time together by exploring your relationship in more depth.

Communication, along with a willingness to grow closer together, is one of the keys to a successful marriage.

General Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

·                                 Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.

·                                 What do we as a couple want out of life?

·                                 Do you have a criminal record?

Family of Origin Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

·                                 What was your childhood like?

·                                 Was your family an affectionate one?

·                                 Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?

·                                 What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?

·                                 What do you like and dislike about your family?

Self Image Issues to Talk About Before You are Married

·                                 How would you describe yourself?

·                                 How do you think I see you?

·                                 Am I a jealous person?

·                                 Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?

·                                 How important is affirmation to me?

·                                 Do I handle compliments well?

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The following post is information for clients who have paternity or custody actions pending in Eastern or Western Jackson county Missouri about the PTLA program which is required by the Court.

PTLA (Parenting Together Living Apart) is a parent educational program designed to teach parents who have never been married to each other but have children together the value of co-parenting their child(ren) cooperatively so as to maximize the healthy emotional development of their child(ren). This program is most effective when utilized prior to mediation. There is no cost for attendance.

Program Objectives:

• Parents will have a better understanding of the importance of co-parenting.
• Parents will practice positive communication skills.
• Parents will learn about child development states in parental conflict.
• Parents will increase positive parenting skills to work with each other cooperatively.

PTLA Curriculum:

• Parental responsibilities
• Children’s basic needs
• Why children need both parents
• Emotional reactions to the lost relationship
• Children’s developmental states in parental conflict
• Paternity establishment
• Positive co-parenting
• Effective communication skills
• Responsive discipline
• Parenting time suggestions

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Considering the fact that financial issues are a significant cause of stress on the family, I thought the following article, recently published at msnbc.com provided some very useful information.  It is republished below:

Most Americans have no emergency savings, a new survey shows. The findings are consistent with a host of other surveys and government data that chronicle Americans' abysmal savings rate and, more important, our lack of preparedness for life's unexpected events.

Released Monday at a press conference designed to call attention to "America Saves Week," the survey by the Consumer Federation of America and other consumer agencies indicates that only 40 percent of adult Americans maintain separate emergency savings accounts. And about one-third of those savers have set aside less than $2,000 for that inevitable rainy day.

Even $2,000 is considerably less than the 3- to 6-months of living expenses that most personal finance advocates recommend as an emergency kitty. Coincidentally, it is exactly the amount Hurricane Katrina victims received in "expedited assistance" aid from the federal government in the days after the storm. Thousands of victims didn't get the benefits because of computer glitches and other technicalities, and many of them were left with nearly no means of support after their homes and jobs were washed out by the storm. The Katrina aftermath shined a harsh light on the financial preparedness of many American consumers.

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FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — The melodramatic legal fallout from Anna Nicole Smith's death shifted Friday from where to bury the former Playboy Playmate to who gets custody of her baby, who could inherit millions.

Attorneys for Larry Birkhead, the photographer who claims to have fathered 5-month-old Dannielynn, planned to ask a Florida family court judge to enforce a California court's order that the infant's DNA be tested to prove paternity.

Smith's boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, and Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, also claim to be the father. Stern is listed as Dannielynn's father on the birth certificate.

On Thursday, a sometimes blubbering judge gave Richard Milstein, the court-appointed lawyer for Dannielynn, the power to resolve a dispute between Stern and Virgie Arthur, Smith's estranged mother, over where to bury Smith.

Milstein said she would be buried in the Bahamas next to her son, but gave no time frame.

In a bizarre, rambling statement from the bench, Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin choked up frequently but made it clear what he felt should be done.

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LOS ANGELES (AP) — Britney Spears' decision to check into rehab could help her in court as she to tries to retain custody of her two young children with estranged husband Kevin Federline, according to family law attorneys. That is, of course, if she actually completes a rehab program.

When Spears checked into Promises Malibu drug and alcohol rehabilitation center Thursday, it was said to be the third time in a week she has checked into a rehab center.

"It actually may reflect well on her that she's now gone back, if she stays and sees herself through the program," said Jason Adess, a family law attorney in Chicago. "That way she can present to the court that she has an issue, she has acknowledged the issue, she has gotten help and now she is able to resume primary custody of the children."

Spears' manager, Larry Rudolph, confirmed in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday that Spears is in the Malibu center. He provided no further details.

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LOS ANGELES (AP) — As Britney Spears was checking out of rehab for the second time in a week on Wednesday, her estranged husband was making plans to go to court amid a custody dispute over their two children.

Kevin Federline and his lawyer were scheduled to appear at a downtown courthouse Thursday for an emergency hearing, Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini told The Associated Press. It was not known what issue Federline planned to raise.

Federline and Spears have two sons, 5-month-old Jayden James and 17-month-old Sean Preston.

"Our best information is he will be here; she won't," said Parachini. "But anything is possible."

Federline filed papers seeking spousal support and sole custody of the children after Spears sought to end their two-year marriage last November. A temporary court order issued Feb. 1 granted the couple joint custody until the end of this month.

article published by www.courttv.com

Parachini said Federline's lawyer would try to persuade a Superior Court commissioner that the matter is urgent enough to be handled on an expedited basis.

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Trial Court erred in failing to follow two-step procedure for determining Child support. Child's SSI from Father's disability does not constitute income to Father or credit for Mother. Evidence did not support imputation of income to Father. Child's conduct toward Mother does not support a reduction in Mother's obligation to Child, absent evidence of interference in their relationship.
Mark W. Gerlach, Appellant, v. Linda A. (Gerlach) Adair, Respondent. Missouri Court of Appeals Western District

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The Kansas Family Law Blog had a great posting recently about the deductibility of attorney's fees, which I have set forth below.  For more information on this issue, see the tax archives of this blog

It’s that time of year again. Of course, the general rule is that lawyers’ fees and costs in connection with obtaining a divorce are not tax deductible. As with many general rules, there are exceptions:

1. Attorneys’ fees related to tax advice. I.R.C. §212(3). Areas having tax implications upon which an attorney may offer advice include the tax effect of the distribution of property, including retirement plans, tax deductibility of interest payments or installments to effectuate an equitable distribution of property, the allocation of the dependency exemption and child tax credit, whether a joint tax return should be filed, the tax effect of unallocated maintenance and child support, the tax implications of the form of alimony, and advice regarding the recapture of front end loaded maintenance in the first three years following separation.

Practice tip: it is not helpful for the client wishing to tax deduct some attorney fees to have a provision in the marital settlement agreement that no tax advice was given.

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Presumed correct support amount even if daycare paid separately. John Mitalovich, Appellant, v. Tammy Lee Toomey, Respondent, No. 87755 (Mo. App. E.D., November 21, 2006, Ahrens, P.J.
  This summary is strictly for the purpose of noting the proper findings in a judgment as to the presumed correct support amount for child support when work-related child care costs are being paid separately by the parties.
  Form 14 provides for allocation of the reasonable work-related child care costs of the custodial parent. Harrison v. Harrison, 871 S.W.2d 644 (Mo. App. 1994). In the present case, the trial court was required to either allocate that child care cost in conformity with the Form 14, or make a finding that the award of such an amount was unjust or inappropriate. Id. The trial court found that mother required daycare for the minor child, and there was evidence in the record to support this testimony. Therefore, the court was required to include that cost in the Form 14 calculation. (Emphasis added).

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The following are some infomative and useful tips on the sale of a residence in divorce from divorcehq.com

For many people going through a divorce their biggest asset is their home or in legal speak, the marital residence. Deciding what to do about the marital residence is often a major issue in a divorce. There are a few different options when it comes to splitting the marital residence.

One option is for one spouse to keep the house and buy out the other spouse's share. Another option is for one spouse to be granted exclusive use for a specified period of time, usually when the youngest child turns 18, after which the house will be sold. Finally, the house can be sold outright with the profits being allocated to each spouse.

Should you sell your house? Hard as it may be this is a decision that needs to be made devoid of emotions. As a practical matter take into consideration whether or not it is financially beneficial to keep the home. If not and you do decide to sell here are a few tips to help you through the process.

Time is money: Put your home on the market as far in advance as possible of purchasing a new one. Remember that when people buy and sell a home there usually is a domino effect. Closing and moving dates have to be coordinated, and the more firmly everyone commits to a window of dates and sticks to them, the better for all involved. Put all agreements about dates in writing, and protect yourself by negotiating financial penalties for failure to live up to the agreement.

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mvparents.com recently posted this article to help parents to initiate conversation and enhance communication with their children.  Below are some very helpful tips to keep communication going in your family.

Sometimes getting a teenager to talk is harder than getting a cat to follow instructions. And when things aren’t going well, talking sounds more like shouting. Nothing you say seems to register.

But it’s not always that way. Just when you least expect it, your kids share something unexpected and you rediscover the joy of glancing into the world of a maturing young adult.

Ideas you can use every day

Stay connected

• Talk about the everyday stuff every day — If your kids learn they can trust you with the “little stuff,” they’re more likely to come to you about the “big stuff.”
• Create times for talking — Expect everyone to have a family meal together. Turn off the music while you’re driving around. Play a board game instead of watching television.
• Be approachable — If kids think they’ll get a lecture or be judged every time they bring up an idea or a personal experience, they’ll shut down. Try to listen without judging and to ask questions without accusing. Show that you understand what your children are feeling by sharing similar experiences.
• Take concerns seriously — Sometimes it’s easy to dismiss children’s concerns or worries because, from an adult perspective, they’re not important. Don’t; don’t take them lightly, laugh at or tease them. If it’s important to your children, empathize and listen. They’ll learn that they can come to you about other things—some of which you’ll think are really important.
• Don’t wait — You don’t have to wait for an “important” conversation to have a good conversation. Find times to talk with your children every day about little stuff and big stuff and when you do talk, really listen to what they have to say.

Be intentional

• Wait — Whether they’re tired or upset, sometimes your children aren’t ready to talk. Give yourself and your children time and space, but don’t make it an excuse to avoid conversation.
• Listen for more than the words — What your children are “saying” may not come out in words. It may show through body language, tone or other actions. Listen carefully and try to understand the feelings behind the words, not just the words themselves.
• Think through the tough conversations — Sometimes you need to have difficult conversations. When the time comes, think it through in advance. What do you want to say? What questions do you need to ask? What can you do to make it go as well as possible?

Be creative

• Do something else — Many people don’t like “just talking.” They have better conversations when they’re shooting hoops, putting together a puzzle, hiking in the mountains or doing a service project together. Doing things together that both you and your children enjoy may be the best way to get a conversation going.
• Communicate without talking — There are lots of ways to communicate that you care besides talking. If your children don’t want to talk, leave a caring note, send a friendly email or just sit by their bed and give a backrub. You won’t have to say anything to communicate a lot.

Keep perspective

• Give time — Sometimes kids need space to work through things and figure out who they are. Give them time and space, but always let them know you’re there, you care and you’re ready to listen.
• Be patient — Sometimes you and your children will say things you regret. Other times you’ll miss opportunities for a great conversation. Relax, it’s perfectly normal. Despite the fact that you may already have a hard time talking, remember that you can always start a new conversation, even a simple one, that can help get you back on track. Learn. Forgive. And try again.

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Divorce brings with it a lot of changes and a very real sense of loss. Kids - and parents - grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially grieve the loss of the presence of a parent. That's why some kids - even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them - still hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your child will come to some sort of acceptance of the changed circumstances.

So, how can you decrease the stress your child feels over the changes brought on by divorce? Mainly by learning to respond to his or her expressions of emotion. Here are some ways divorcing parents can help their children:

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From cnn.com

TRENTON, New Jersey (CNN) -- In a decision likely to stoke the contentious election-year debate over same-sex marriage, the New Jersey Supreme Court has ruled that state lawmakers must provide the rights and benefits of marriage to gay and lesbian couples.

The high court on Wednesday gave legislators six months to either change state marriage laws to include same-sex couples, or come up with another mechanism, such as civil unions, that would provide the same protections and benefits.

The court's vote was 4-to-3. But the ruling was more strongly in favor of same-sex marriage than that split would indicate. The three dissenting justices argued the court should have extended full marriage rights to homosexuals, without kicking the issue back to legislators.

Advocates of same-sex marriage hailed the decision, a respite from many defeats this year in courts nationwide.

"That is wonderful news," said Cindy Meneghin, one of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit by seven same-sex couples that prompted Wednesday's decision. "We can only hope that that means marriage, because that is the only way they can give us full equality."  

Garden State Equality, a gay rights group, announced that three state legislators plan to introduce a bill to legalize same-sex marriage. In an e-mail to supporters, the chairman of the group, Steven Goldstein, vowed that only "over our dead bodies will we settle for less than 100 percent marriage equality."

The rest of this article can be read at www.cnn.com/2006/US/10/25/gay.marriage/index.html

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The Following practical tips are offered by New York Times/about.com author Jennifer Wolf on how to get through your first year as a single parent.

1. Develop a Support Network
   This is absolutely crucial. You need to know who you can depend on right now. Most likely, this network includes your immediate family and friends, but think about other people in your life who might also help you. Making an actual list of who these people are can help remind you that you're not alone. In addition, consider joining a formal support group for single parents.
2. Ask for Help
   This is one of the most difficult things to do. But there are people around you who would love to help! Keep in mind that allowing others to help you is a gift to yourself and to the person assisting you. Sharing in one another’s lives during difficult times affirms our human connection and brings a sense of purpose to everyday living.
3. Schedule Time to be Alone
   Time is a very powerful tool. It will bring you healing, hope, and perspective. Right now, it’s important that you create pockets of time in your life when you can just be. Time when you’re not accountable for completing a task or responding to questions. Time to sit, to think, to ponder.
4. Think Outside the Box
   If finding time to yourself sounds impossible, consider some creative solutions, like swapping babysitting time with a neighbor or waking up a half-hour before the rest of your household. The time that you give yourself is precious, and it will be fruitful in helping you to establish reserves of inner strength.
5. Be Present with Your Kids
   When you're with your children, make an effort to be emotionally present with them. It would be easy to retreat into your heart right now, but this is a time when your children truly need you more than ever. Simple activities like playing a board game or taking a walk together can go along way toward communicating the message that life will go on and they will, indeed, be okay.
6. Get the Facts About Your Situation
   You might be tempted to make quick decisions right now about where to live and how to handle your finances. However, ignorance in this area can be extremely dangerous, and so can making rash, uninformed decisions. For now, take the time to find out where you stand financially. Gather the necessary papers in order so that when you are emotionally ready to make changes, you'll be prepared and able to make informed decisions.
7. Grieve
   Expressing your feelings is important to your overall health. Consider writing in a journal or scheduling a regular "date" with a friend to vent, cry, and grieve. Single parents are born of many different situations. Whether you've experienced the loss of a spouse, the end of a marriage, or an adjustment to the dream you once held for your life, it is important to grieve and process the loss before moving on.
8. Pay Attention to your Physical Health
   This may be a time when you are feeling especially worn down and drained. Combat that by making the effort to eat healthy foods and choose energizing ways to fuel your body. Instead of relying on extra caffeine, try taking a walk at lunchtime. Additionally, getting adequate rest is crucial to your healing and ability to cope. Forgo the temptation to sit in front of the TV. Instead, read a book and retire early.
9. Identify What Gives You Strength
   In the past, how have you handled challenging times in your life? What most energizes you and reminds you that you possess the strength needed to meet the current challenge? Focus on what has worked for you in the past.
10. Let Go of What Isn't Working
    Likewise, let go of what has not worked for you. As you move through this first year, reflect on the habits and choices that have not served you well, and decide to change them. In addition, if there are things from the past that you cannot change, let go of unhealthy guilt and remorse.
11. Focus on the Positive
    This is a time of new growth in your life. Take the time to think about the things that are going well for you. Having a positive attitude - even in the midst of extreme circumstances - can empower you to move ahead and provide your children with a tangible example of the coping strategies you want them to adopt.

Source for Post: singleparents.about.com

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The following are some tips for communicating with with your child during and after divorce.  Thanks to the folks at  divorcesupport.com for this great information

Remember to be as open as possible, which will reinforce and even enhance your trust for one another. Many parents find that they do communicate better during divorce and/or separation because it is the first time in a while that they were forced to have meaningful conversations. This is not necessarily the reason in your case, but divorce and/or separation can create a stronger parent-child bond. Communicating effectively with your child actually gives him or her the sense of greater responsibility and respect. In conversation, be sure to listen and allow your child to express his or her own opinions.

Strategies and Tactics to Improve or Continue Good Communication:

- Pick a place where you both feel comfortable.

- Never criticize the other parent in conversation. This includes all body gestures, like the rolling of the eyes or shrugging.

- Stay calm when things get a little heated and avoid quick irrational responses.

- Never use threats or ultimatums.

- Stay on the topic of conversation. If another issue comes up, write it down and discuss it at a later time.

- Look, don’t just listen, for your response. Facial Expressions are as telling as words.

- Do not interrupt your child.

- Do not talk down to your child as if he or she does not understand.

- Avoid saying, “If you were older you would know what I am talking about”, because your child will interpret this as your excuse for being wrong.

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Divorce is stressful for parents and children alike. Although children's emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of the divorce, many children experience feelings of sadness, anger, and anxiety - and it's not uncommon for these feelings to be expressed in their behavior. Often, the child's emotional reaction can be quite different than the parent's, and it's important to understand these differences. For example, a parent may feel a sense of relief that a difficult period is coming to some resolution, whereas the child may feel a sense of loss.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child during a divorce. By minimizing the stress the situation creates and responding openly and honestly to your child's concerns, you can help your child through this difficult time.

As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your child about your decision to divorce. Although there's no easy way to break the news, both parents should be present when a child is told, and feelings of anger, guilt, or blame should be left out of the conversation. At best, this is a difficult message to communicate, but if you handle it sensitively, you can help make it less painful for your child.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to your child's age and development, all children should receive the same basic message: "Mommy and Daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we're not happy and have decided we'd be happier apart. What happened occurred between us, but we will always be your parents and we will always be there to love and take care of you."

It's important to emphasize that your child is in no way to blame for the breakup and that the unhappiness is not related to him or her. Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents' marriages, and they need to be reminded frequently that it is not their fault. Finally, your child may question whether your love for him or her is temporary (because it was with your spouse); reassure your child that even though you're getting a divorce, you love him or her permanently and unconditionally.

When it comes to answering questions about your divorce, it's important to give kids enough information so that they're prepared for the upcoming changes in their lives but not so much that it frightens them. Try to keep your feelings neutral and answer your child's questions in an age-appropriate way and as truthfully as possible. Remember that kids don't need to know all the details; they just need to know enough to understand clearly that although divorce means separating from a spouse, it doesn't mean parents are divorcing their kids.

Not all children react the same way when told their parents are divorcing. Some ask questions, some cry, and some have no initial response at all. For kids who seem upset when you break the news, it's important for parents to let them know that they recognize and care about their feelings and to reassure them that it's OK to cry.

For example, you might say, "I know this is upsetting for you, and I can understand why," or "We both love you and are so sorry that our problems are causing you to feel this way." If your child doesn't have an emotional reaction right away, let him or her know that there will be other times to talk.

Most children are concerned with how the divorce will affect them:

• Who will I live with?
• Will I move?
• Where will Mommy live or where will Daddy live?
• Will I go to a new school?
• Will I still get to see my friends?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?

Be honest when addressing your child's concerns and remind him or her that the family will get through this, even though it may take some time.

Source for Post: www.kidshealth.org

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