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Child-rearing is often a sensitive and complicated issue for couples, and many argue about just how to properly raise their young. But for children, major parental disagreement is a source of mixed messages and confusion that may undermine the attitudes, values and behaviors parents hope to teach. Stacy DeBroff, president of the popular parenting website Momcentral.com, offers smart solutions on how to keep chaos at bay.

Parenting disagreements? Threatening the well being of our marriages and our kids? Yep, welcome to the brave new world of today's parenting: with shifting social roles for Mom and Dad, pressure to raise fabulous kids while supposedly being their best friends, and strong parenting preferences by both Mom and Dad.

When most of us were growing up, Mom and Dad held more traditional roles, with Mom typically a housewife and Dad the breadwinner and stern disciplinarian. "Just wait until your Father gets home!" my brother and I got warned on a daily basis. Not so today, as Moms announce in the kitchen, "I do not care what your Dad said! There is no macaroni and cheese for breakfast in this house or TV after dinner. Period." For men and women alike with children, parenting has emerged as a primary focus. And along with the laser-like focus on children has emerged a virtual cauldron of boiling and brewing parental disagreements.

Trend spotting helps here to see the shifting in parenting styles. Long gone are those June Cleaver days when women considered themselves first and foremost as "housewives." Moms are focusing on being "stay-at-home Moms," we have entered the workplace in record numbers, and Dads have become the most involved parents in history. Plus, ask most Moms and Dad and they will announce how they want to be "best friends" with their children. So much for children being seen and not heard!

When Mom and Dad disagree over even minor parenting issues: the repercussions echo throughout the whole next day and the whole family. For instance if Dad lets the kids stay up way past bedtime, you have Mom at home with an entire day of dealing with a grumpy, tired, unhappy kid or one who resents your more stringent rules. Or it's the working Moms who get reports from a babysitter, the preschool, the teachers, and the after-school about a tired child who is acting out. As parents, Moms rely on having a united front.

Yet what happens amidst this child-focused lifestyle where both parents feel highly vested in their children's success is often a clash about parenting this precious commodity. With both Mom and Dad holding strong opinions about discipline, nutrition and diet, and safety (the most common areas of conflict), parental disagreements abound: contributing dramatically to our country's nearly 50% divorce rate.

Like my husband and myself, kids take center stage in our lives. We devote our lives to pick-up duties and weekend afternoons on the sidelines. Imagine the suburban mom in the minivan or SUV, coffee in the cup holder, dashing a daughter to gymnastics, a son to T-ball, stopping by the store to replace a lost mouth guard, and taking a spare moment to flip through brochures for summer camp. A huge parental fear lurking in the background is that if we don't push, but instead just relax and let our children follow their own inclinations, they will fail somehow, and we will be at fault. In our more anxious moments, we worry about our children's untapped and stunted potential, limited educational choices, and meager job opportunities. So who can throw strict limits into the mix?

Plus, who wants to discipline, admonish or oppress their self-proclaimed "best friend" and center of our universe? And thus, parenting disagreements of how to handle everything from bad behavior to bad grades emerges. Not to mention both parents ducking from being the perceived "bad guy."

Of note, in one recent compelling study 90% of couples reported more arguments after having a baby.

And while all parents disagree over parenting issues, if parenting styles continually clash or fall into extreme conflicts, marriages along with children's healthy development fall by the wayside.

And thus even highly compatible couples can find themselves at a crossroads when it comes to parenting beliefs, styles, or techniques in direct conflict with each other.

Why Not "Agree to Disagree"?
Kids Become Professional Negotiators
Starting at age 3, kids get incredibly smart about playing one parent off another. Why not create a parental clash of wills to get what you want, or go to the more permissive parent on a particular issue?

Kids Emerge Disrespectful:   Left unchecked kids end up being manipulative and disrespectful outside the house with teachers, adults and even employers. The sense of manipulating adults to get what you want starts to pervade children's attitudes toward other adult relationships.

One Parent Throws In The Towel:   One thing that can happen is that out of frustration, one parent eventually gives up, and refuses to get involved, even in the case of really bad behavior or child safety being at risk.

Relationships Collapse: If you cannot get past these parenting differences, couples often end up split up. It creates deep marital tension if one parent always ends up being the bad guy.

12 Tips Keep Arguments from "Snow-balling":
Don't Play Good Cop - Bad Cop
Kids need to know that both parents mean business. Both you and your spouse should be willing to discipline, and consistent with each other when you do. Consistency is the root of good discipline. This is even more important in the case of divorce—clear ground rules should be set and followed no matter whom your child is with.

Fight the Battles That Matter to You the MostSometimes one parent is better at dealing with certain situations or prescribing certain punishments. If this is the case, feel free to split up the workload. Pick a few non-negotiable points: Each parent gets a list of 5 non-negotiable points that you agree to respect for each other: whether no cartoons before school, milk instead of juice, or no driving with friends at night or after parties.

Know That Parenting Style Disagreements Bound To HappenDisagreeing about discipline—or any of the other parenting issues that inevitably come up on a daily basis—is something we all experience along the way, no matter how much we see eye-to-eye on most things.

Recognize How Parental Fighting Affects ChildrenWhen faced with an unexpected situation, don't argue with your spouse about what to do in front of your child. This brings the focus away from your child's misbehavior and discipline to the fight you and your spouse are having. If you see an argument with each other brewing, have your child sit in their room and wait for you to come talk to them about the situation, or let them know that a mutually agreed upon punishment will be handed out at a later time.

Be Respectful of Your Partner's ViewsYou may think your partner's suggestion is ridiculous, but he or she probably has a good reason to back it up. Be respectful and listen rather than getting angry and immediately assuming that you're right. Discuss options you both can buy into before making a decision.

Hold Your TongueIf your five-year old son kicks his sister and your husband loses his temper and sends him crying to his room, it's probably not a good idea to follow after your son and let him free, since you think time-outs won't work with him. Let the punishment stand instead of sending a mixed signal, but have a talk with your spouse later and let him know when you want to make a decision together.

Call a Family Meeting
When your child is older, family meetings can be held to deal with issues that arise. Involving your child in a conversation is a good way for them to learn to discuss matters maturely, and everyone will understand how everyone else feels about the situation. Obviously, you'll make the final decision, but it might be useful for your teenager to tell you what punishment she thinks she deserves for going out when you told her she couldn't and why, and for you to explain to her how concerned you were.

Keep the Focus on Your Child
Sometimes the type of punishment that one parent favors simply won't work for your child—they may be too young to understand or stay in a time-out, or perhaps sending them to their room does no good, as they keep all of their favorite toys there. When disagreeing about discipline, make sure you're first and foremost considering what will work best for your child.

Compromise
If you can't agree on standard rule for everything, be willing to compromise once in awhile. Take your husband's suggestion on an issue you don't feel as strongly about in return for him taking your suggestion next time. Just like everything else in a marriage, talking and compromising is key.

Form a United FrontEven when it took you and your spouse two hours to agree on a strategy, don't let your child know. If they see that you are both on the same page, they won't try to play you off each other, as children often do with parents.

Plan Ahead
Just like you stocked up on diapers and outfits before your child was born, discipline is something you can prepare for. Obviously you can't anticipate every situation, but you can sit down with your spouse and agree on some of the more basic or important disciplinary issues. As your children get older, make sure the rules are made clear to them as well—before they break them. Discuss with your partner about how you both respond to your child's meltdowns or misbehavior, and make sure you both ho your child to similar rules and uses complementary styles of discipline.

Look at Discipline as a Process
Families learn and grow as they go. If you find something doesn't work for you, change it next time. Don't be afraid to reevaluate your approaches.

Eventually with enough sidebar discussions, dinners out together to talk things over, and some parental humor thrown into the mix, you will find a system that works for you!

Posted on msbnc.omc- Best-selling author Stacy DeBroff is the founder and President of Mom Central, Inc. Visit Mom Central for more tips and articles on parenting.

Advice for single people, married couples, domestic partners, and lesbians and gay men.

As a general rule, any adult who is considered a "fit parent" may adopt a child, but some states have special requirements for adoptive parents. In a few states, adoptive parents must be a certain number of years older than the child. In others, adoptive parents must be state residents for a specified length of time before they are allowed to adopt. If you're adopting through an agency, you may also have to meet additional agency requirements, which are often stricter than state laws.

In addition, some individuals or couples are likely to have more difficulty adopting than others. For instance, a single man or a lesbian couple may have a harder time finding a placement than a married heterosexual couple will, even though technically they should be able to adopt. This happens because all states look to the "best interests of the child" when making a placement determination. Many state courts or agencies will use the "best interests" argument to judge a prospective adoptive parent or couple according to preconceived biases about who makes a good or a fit parent. And sometimes birth parents who are placing their children with an agency for adoption have some of the same biases. Below we discuss the issues or roadblocks some folks are likely to run into.

Different Race or Ethnic Background

You do not need to be the same race as the child you want to adopt, but some states do give preference to prospective adoptive parents of the same race or ethnic background of the child. Adoptions of Native American children are governed by a federal law -- the Indian Child Welfare Act -- that outlines specific rules and procedures that must be followed when adopting a Native American child.

Lesbians and Gay Men

Only Florida and Utah specifically prohibit lesbians and gay men from adopting children, but that doesn't mean it's easy to adopt in other states. Even if sexual orientation is not specifically mentioned in a state adoption statute, it can become an issue in court. Some judges will use it to find a prospective adoptive parent to be unfit.

In addition, in some states it is difficult for a lesbian or gay person or couple to find an agency that will work with them.

On the other hand, gay men and lesbians all over the country do adopt children, and an increasing number of states are allowing gay and lesbian couples to adopt jointly. However, lesbians and gay men will need an experienced attorney to handle an adoption. Do your homework: The National Center for Lesbian Rights provides information for gay men and lesbians who want to adopt.

Single People

As a single person you may have to wait longer for a placement or be flexible about the child you adopt. Agencies often "reserve" healthy infants and younger children for two-parent families, putting single people at the bottom of their waiting lists. And birth parents themselves often want their children to be placed in a two-parent home.

If you're a single person wishing to adopt, you should be prepared to make a good case for your fitness as a parent. You can expect case workers to ask why you haven't married, how you plan to support and care for the child on your own, what will happen if you do marry, and other questions that will put you in the position of defending your status as a single person. To many single adoptive parents such rigorous screening doesn't seem fair, but it is commonplace.

Agencies serving children with special needs may be a good option for singles, because they often cast a wider net when considering adoptive parents. Being flexible about your choices will make it easier to overcome the resistance to single-parent adoptions.

Domestic Partners

There is no specific prohibition against unmarried couples' adopting children (sometimes called a two-parent adoption). Like singles, however, you may find that agencies are biased towards married couples. You may have a longer wait for a child, or you may have to expand your ideas about the child you are willing to adopt.

Copyright © 2006 Nolo

In a stepparent adoption you need to get the consent of the birth parent or have the birth parent's rights terminated.

In most states, a stepparent adoption is much easier to complete than a non-relative adoption. The procedure is generally the same as for other types of adoption, but specific steps are sometimes waived or streamlined. For instance, the waiting period, a home study, and even the adoption hearing are sometimes dispensed with in a stepparent adoption. The only difficult step may be getting the other birth parent to consent to the adoption.

Getting Consent

In all stepparent adoptions, the child's other birth parent will need to consent to the adoption because he or she is the other legally recognized parent. If the other birth parent refuses to consent, the adoption will not be allowed unless his or her parental rights are terminated for some other reason -- abandonment, unfitness, or failure to support the child, for example.

It may be difficult to get the consent of the other birth parent, because giving consent to the adoption means giving up all parental rights, including any right to visit the child or make decisions regarding issues such as medical treatment or education. Of course, some birth parents are willing to consent to stepparent adoptions because they agree that it's in the child's interest--or because they will no longer be responsible for child support once their parental rights are terminated.

Emotional Issues

Stepparent adoptions can be complicated when the non-custodial biological parent is still alive and in contact with the child. There may be no legal reason why the adoption cannot take place, but the emotional impact of the adoption also needs to be considered.
The impact on the child should be of primary importance. If an adoption will bring stability to your new family and help your child feel more secure, it may be the right choice. But no matter how well your child gets along with a stepparent, the child may still feel conflicting loyalties between his or her stepparent and birth parent, and this may be hard to handle. Generally speaking, the less contact a child has with the other birth parent, the more sense it makes for an adoption to take place.

Terminating Parental Rights

If the other birth parent refuses to give consent or is out of the picture and cannot be found, there are a few specific ways to proceed with a stepparent adoption.

Proving the absent parent has abandoned the child. First, it is possible to go forward without a biological parent's consent if you can prove that the absent parent has not exercised any parental rights and if you can convince the court that it's appropriate to legally terminate that parent-child relationship. Most states' laws allow parental rights to be terminated when a parent has willfully failed to support the child or has abandoned the child for a period of time, usually a year. Generally, abandonment means that the absent parent hasn't communicated with the child or supported the child financially.

Proving the absent parent is not the presumed father. If the absent parent is male, another common way to terminate his parental rights is to show that he is not, legally speaking, the presumed father of the child. Most states have statutes establishing who the presumed father of a child is in certain situations. In this case, you won't have to prove that the father has abandoned the child. You simply must show that he does not meet the legal definition of presumed father. For instance, in all states, a man who is married to a woman at the time she gives birth is legally presumed to be the child's father. Another way of establishing presumed fatherhood in many states is by marrying the mother after the child has been born and being named as the father on the child's birth certificate.

If you can show that the father doesn't meet any of the tests in your state for presumed fatherhood, the court may terminate his rights and allow you to proceed without his consent. (If, however, the father meets one of the state's tests for presumed fatherhood, you'll need either to obtain the father's consent to the adoption, or to have his rights terminated by proving abandonment, willful failure to support the child, or parental unfitness.)

Domestic Partners and Stepparent Adoptions

In a few states, stepparent adoption procedures are used in adoptions by same-sex partners. For example, in California, registered domestic partners may adopt their partners' children using stepparent procedures instead of the more cumbersome independent adoption procedures that were previously required. And in Massachusetts, where same-sex couples can marry, same-sex spouses can also use stepparent adoption procedures.

Copyright © 2006 Nolo

The advantages and disadvantages of skipping the agency when you adopt a child.

Independent adoptions are attractive to birth parents and prospective adoptive parents because they allow the people involved to keep control over the adoption process. However, there are risks and costs involved in independent adoptions that don't come with agency adoptions, as well as more work for the adoptive parents.

Advantages of Independent Adoptions

Many adoptive parents are reassured by knowing the birth parents personally and dealing with them directly, instead of being afraid that their adoption may fall apart before it is completed. Rather than relying on an agency as a go-between, the birth parent and adoptive parents can meet, get to know each other, and decide for themselves whether to go ahead with the adoption. Independent adoptions also avoid the long waiting lists and restrictive qualifying criteria that can be part of agency adoptions. And independent adoptions usually happen much faster than agency adoptions, often within a year of beginning the search for a child. Finally, independent adoptions can be less expensive than using an agency -- although the adoptive parents will have many of the same costs, like paying the birthmother's expenses, they will save the agency fees.

Disadvantages of Independent Adoptions

Many states place significant restrictions on independent adoptions. For example, states may prohibit adoptive parents from advertising for a birth mother, or limit the amount of money adoptive parents can contribute to the birth mother's prenatal care and medical expenses.

Another concern is that birth parents might not receive adequate counseling during the adoption process. States differ quite a bit on how much counseling they require birth parents to have before making their final decision to give up a child for adoption. If the birth parents do not get the required amount of counseling, this may make your adoption agreement vulnerable.

Some states extend the period during which birth parents may revoke their consent in independent adoptions -- making it longer than for agency adoptions -- and this places your adoption agreement at additional risk. If the agreement does fall apart, the prospective adoptive parents can lose significant investments of time and money without any recourse -- in addition to the heartbreak of losing the child they hoped for.

Even when they are successful -- and they do succeed quite often -- independent adoptions are a lot of work, even with a lawyer's help, which is almost always necessary. Adoptive parents often spend enormous amounts of time and money just finding a birth mother, not to mention the efforts required to follow through and bring the adoption to a close.

Check the legality of independent adoptions in your state. In a few states -- Connecticut, Delaware, Massachusetts, and Minnesota -- independent adoptions are illegal, although in these states it is possible to do an agency-directed adoption after you have identified birth parents. Be sure to check your state laws before you proceed.

The Costs of an Independent Adoption

Because each situation is unique, fees for independent adoptions vary widely. Prospective adoptive parents must generally cover the costs of finding a birthmother, the costs related to the pregnancy and birth, and the costs involved in the legal adoption process. Items such as hospital bills, travel expenses, phone bills, home study costs, attorneys' fees and court costs can often surpass $10,000. Some states allow the birthmother's living expenses during the pregnancy to be covered as well. (Usually, most of these expenses are subject to a federal adoption tax credit.)

All states allow adoptive parents to pay certain "reasonable" costs that are specifically related to the adoption process. Because it is illegal in any state to buy or sell a baby, each state has its own laws defining which expenses may be paid by adoptive parents in any kind of adoption proceeding -- agency or independent. If you pursue an independent adoption, you must adhere to these laws when you give any money to the birthmother. Most states allow the adoptive parents to pay the birthmother's medical expenses, counseling costs, and attorney's fees. Some states also allow payments to cover the birth mother's living expenses such as food, housing, and transportation during pregnancy.

Most states require all payments to be itemized and approved by a court before the adoption is finalized. Be sure to know and understand your state's laws, because providing or accepting prohibited financial support may subject you to criminal charges. And the adoption itself may be jeopardized if you make improper payments.

Open Adoptions

An open adoption is one in which the birth parents and the adoptive parents meet and get to know each other before the adoption, and, usually, in which the parties all come to an agreement about the birth parents having some degree of contact with the child after the adoption is finalized.

There is no one standard for open adoptions; each family works out an arrangement that works well for them. Some adoptive parents want to meet the birth parents just once before the birth of the child, while others form ongoing relationships. In some agreements contact is limited to the adoptive parents sending photographs on the child's birthdays, and in others the parties agree to regular visits between the birth parents and the child. (Although these visitation agreements are often part of the legal proceedings for the adoption, they are not enforceable by a court. If the adoptive parents don't keep up their part of the bargain, there's not much the birth parents can do.)

Open adoptions can help reduce stress and worry by eliminating the fear of the unknown. Adoptive parents are reassured by knowing the birth parents personally instead of being afraid that one day a stranger will come knocking on their door to meet their child. This openness can be beneficial to the child as well, who will grow up with fewer questions and misconceptions than a child of a closed adoption might have.

Copyright © 2006 Nolo

The procedures and costs involved when you adopt a child through an agency.

Using an agency to manage your adoption can be helpful for a number of reasons. Agencies are experienced in finding children, matching them with parents, and satisfying the necessary legal requirements. Agencies will help adoptive parents with everything from finding a birth parent to finalizing the adoption papers. An agency will take care of many of the crucial elements of the adoption, such as conducting the home study, obtaining the necessary consents, and advising them on any specific state requirements.

Private vs. Public Agencies

The key advantage of a private agency adoption is the extensive counseling that agencies provide. Typically, counseling is available for adoptive parents, birth parents, and the children (if they are older). Careful counseling can help everyone involved weather the emotional, practical, and legal complexities that can arise throughout the adoption process. And it's particularly important for the protection is provides the adoptive parents. A birth parent who receives appropriate counseling early in the process is less likely to change her mind when it comes time to sign the actual consent forms after the baby's birth.

On the down side, private agencies are often extremely selective when choosing adoptive parents. This is because they have a surplus of people who want to adopt and a limited number of available children. Agencies weed out parents based on age, marital status, income, health, religion, sexual orientation, family size, and personal history (including criminal conduct).

Public agencies have many children ready to be adopted, but they are often older or special-needs children. If you want a newborn or an infant, a public agency may not be able to help you. And public agencies generally do not provide the many other services, such as much-needed counseling, that private agencies offer. Of course, along with offering fewer services, public agencies come at a much lower cost. It may cost you next to nothing to adopt through a public agency (and the agency may even provide a small stipend during the adoption process), whereas a private agency adoption will cost many thousands of dollars.

Even if you do use an agency, you will probably need to hire a lawyer to draft the adoption petition and to represent you at the hearing. Although there is no legal requirement that a lawyer be involved in an adoption, the process can be quite complex and should be handled by someone with experience and expertise. When seeking a lawyer, find out how many adoptions he or she has handled, and whether any of them were contested or developed other complications.

Cost of Agency Adoptions

Private agencies charge fees to cover the birth mother's expenses as allowed by state law; these expenses may include medical costs, living expenses during the pregnancy, and counseling. Add to this the agency's staff salaries and overhead -- and charges can mount up quickly.

Many agencies charge a flat fee for adoptions, while others add the birth mother's expenses to a fixed rate for the agency's services. Some agencies use a sliding scale that varies with adoptive parents' income levels, usually with a set minimum and maximum fee. You can expect to pay between $1,000 and $6,000 to adopt a young child, and $10,000 or more to adopt a newborn. Some agencies charge a lower rate for handling special needs adoptions.

Public agencies generally do not charge fees for placing children in adoptive homes.

Even if you use an agency, you may need to hire a lawyer to draft the adoption petition and to represent you at the adoption hearing. Although there is no legal requirement that a lawyer be involved in an adoption, the process can be quite complex. Attorney fees, of course, add to the cost of the adoption.

Waiting Periods

Agencies sometimes wait to place a child in an adoptive home until all necessary consents have been given and are finalized. Because of this, a child may be placed in foster care for a few days or weeks, depending on the situation and the state's law. The lag-time concerns many adoptive parents who want their child to have a secure, stable home as soon as possible. Some agencies get around this by placing infants immediately through a type of adoption known as a "legal risk placement." The risk is that the birth mother may decide she wants her child back before her rights have been legally terminated -- then the adoptive parents will have to let the child go.

Finding an Adoption Agency

There are an estimated 3,000 adoption agencies in the United States, public and private. If you live in a state like California or New York, you'll have more options than if you live in a less populated state. But wherever you live, you'll probably have to do some searching to find an agency that meets your needs and is able to work with you. You can contact a national adoption organization for referrals to get you started. One place to start is the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. Also, talk to anyone you know who has adopted children -- personal referrals are often the best way to find a good agency.

When considering an agency, check out the agency's reputation and accreditation. Start with the licensing department of your state. It can tell you whether the agency has been cited for licensing violations and whether the licensing office has received any complaints about the agency. You can request a copy of the state rules governing adoption agencies so that you understand the standards your agency must follow. Your state department of social services or your state or local department of consumer affairs may also be able to give you information about the agency.

International Adoptions

You can adopt a foreign child through an American agency that specializes in international adoptions. (You can adopt directly, but most people use an agency since because direct adoption from an international country can be very difficult and the risk of problems is high.) An agency will know the U.S. immigration laws and the laws of the country of the child, as well as the adoption laws of your state.

U.S. immigration laws require that prospective adoptive parents be married or, if single, at least 25 years old. The adoptive parents must file an Orphan Petition (Form I-600) with the agency now known as U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS, formerly called the INS), to show that the child's parents have died, disappeared, or abandoned the child, or that one remaining parent is not able to care for the child and consents to the child's adoption and immigration to the U.S. If there are two known parents, the child will not qualify as an orphan under any circumstances.

Along with the Orphan Petition, you will need to submit a number of other documents, including a favorable home study report from the agency you choose. If USCIS approves the petition, and there are no disqualifying factors such as a communicable disease, the child can be issued an immigrant visa.

Much of the paperwork for an international adoption can be completed even before you have identified a specific child to adopt. Advance preparation is a valuable option because the paperwork often takes a long time to process, and may hold up the child's arrival in the U.S. even after all foreign requirements have been met.

Finally, be sure you check your own state laws for any preadoption requirements. Some states, for instance, require you to submit the written consent of the birth mother before they approve the entry of the child into the state. Some experts recommend that parents who adopt overseas readopt the child in their own state in order to make sure that the adoption fully conforms to state law, and in order to get a birth certificate that is in English. Sometimes, readoption is a legal necessity -- required either by the state in which you live, or by the country in which you adopted.

No foreign countries allow the adoption of children by openly gay or lesbian parents. Nonetheless, many lesbian and gay parents adopt children through international adoption procedures, keeping their sexual orientation a secret from the foreign country.

Copyright © 2006 Nolo

Learn about types of adoption, rules about consent, and how a home study works.

Types of Adoption

There are quite a few different ways to bring a child into your life, or confirm your legal relationship with one, through adoption. Here?��Ǩ�Ѣs the lowdown on the different ways that adoption can work.

Agency Adoptions

Agency adoptions involve the placement of a child with adoptive parents by a public agency, or by a private agency licensed or regulated by the state.

Public agencies generally place children who have become wards of the state for reasons such as orphanage, abandonment, or abuse. Private agencies are sometimes run by charities or social service organizations. Children placed through private agencies are usually brought to the agency by a parent or parents who have or are expecting a child they want to give up for adoption.

Independent Adoptions

In a private, or independent, adoption, no agency is involved in the adoption. Some independent adoptions involve a direct arrangement between the birth parents and the adoptive parents, while others use an intermediary such as an attorney, doctor, or clergyperson. But for most independent adoptions, whether or not an intermediary is used, an attorney will be needed to take care of the court paperwork.

Most states allow independent adoptions, though many regulate them quite carefully. Independent adoptions are not allowed in Connecticut, Delaware, or Massachusetts.

An "open adoption" is an independent adoption in which the adoptive parents and birth parents have contact during the gestation period and the new parents agree to maintain some contact with the birth parents after the adoption, through letters, photos, or in-person visits.

Identified Adoptions

An identified, or designated, adoption is one in which the adopting parents and the birth mother find each other and then ask an adoption agency to take over the rest of the adoption process. The process is a hybrid of an independent and an agency adoption.

Prospective adoptive parents are spared the waiting lists of agencies by finding the birth parent themselves, but they reap the benefits of the agency's experience with adoption legalities and its counseling services. Everyone may simply feel more comfortable if an agency is involved. Identified adoptions are available to parents in the states (Connecticut, Delaware, and Massachusetts) that ban independent adoptions.

International Adoptions

In an international adoption, the new parents adopt a child who is a citizen of a foreign country. In addition to satisfying the adoption requirements of both the foreign country and the parents' home state in the U.S., the parents must obtain an immigrant visa for the child through U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS, formerly called the INS). The child will be granted U.S. citizenship automatically upon entering the United States.

Many countries with children available for adoption will not permit adoption by openly gay or lesbian parents; some countries, like China, require the adopting parent to sign an affidavit that he or she is heterosexual. Despite this, many gay and lesbian adoptive parents have successfully completed international adoptions as single parents, with their partners later becoming legal parents through second parent or stepparent adoptions in the United States.

You can adopt a foreign child through an American agency that specializes in international adoptions -- or you can adopt directly. Most people use an agency, because direct adoption can be difficult.

Stepparent Adoptions

In a stepparent adoption, a parent's new spouse adopts a child the parent had with a previous partner. Stepparent adoption procedures are less cumbersome than agency or independent adoption procedures. The process is quite simple, especially if the child's other birth parent consents to the adoption. If the other birth parent cannot be found or if he or she refuses to consent to the adoption, there is more paperwork to do and the adoptive parents may need an attorney.

Domestic Partner Adoptions

In California, a new law allows a same-sex domestic partner to adopt the children of his or her partner under stepparent adoption procedures, so that the process is relatively quick and easy. The parties must be registered as domestic partners with the state in order to qualify for these procedures. Similar procedures are used in Vermont for partners in civil unions.

Relative (Kinship) Adoptions

In a relative adoption, also called a kinship adoption, a member of the child's family steps forward to adopt. Grandparents often adopt their grandchildren if the parents die while the children are minors, or if the parents are unable to take care of the children for other reasons (such as being in jail or on drugs). In most states, these adoptions are easier than non-relative adoptions. If the adopted child has siblings who are not adopted at the same time, kinship adoption procedures usually provide for contact between the siblings after the adoption.

Consent to Adoption

For any adoption to be legal, the birth parents must consent to the adoption (unless their parental rights have been legally terminated for some other reason, such as unfitness).

Most states won?��Ǩ�Ѣt let birth parents consent to an adoption until after the child is born, and some states require even more time -- typically three to four days after the birth -- before the parents can sign a consent form. This means that birth parents can legally change their minds about adoption at any point before the birth of the child, because they haven't yet given their consent to the adoption. Be sure to check your state's laws. States differ widely on when birth parents can consent and when the consent becomes final.

Even after the birth parents have given their consent and the child has been placed in the adoptive home, many states give birth parents a specified period of time to revoke their consent -- in other words, to change their minds about the adoption. In some states this period can be as long as three months -- a nerve-wracking time period for the adoptive parents who have begun to care for the child.

This is one of the reasons why birth parents in some states must undergo counseling before giving their consent -- their intention to go through with the adoption is explored at an early stage, in the hopes of reducing the likelihood of a change of heart later.

Investigation of Adoptive Parents: The Home Study

All states require adoptive parents to undergo an investigation to make sure that they are fit to raise a child. This investigation is called a home study. Typically, the study is conducted by a state agency or a licensed social worker who examines the adoptive parents' home life and prepares a report that the court will review before allowing the adoption to take place. The social worker makes a recommendation about whether the adoption should be approved, but a court always makes the final decision.

The social worker will commonly ask about a number of areas considered important to the adoptive parents?��Ǩ�Ѣ ability to raise a child:

• financial stability
• marital stability
• lifestyles
• other children
• career obligations
• physical and mental health, and
• criminal history.

In recent years, the home study has become more than just a method of investigating prospective parents: It serves to educate and inform them as well. The social worker helps to prepare the adoptive parents by discussing issues such as how and when to talk with the child about being adopted, and how to deal with the reaction that friends and family might have to the adoption.

If the social worker ends up writing a negative report that claims the adoption isn't in the child's best interests, you may contest the conclusion. Each state has different appeal procedures. Some states provide for a separate procedure, while other states make the appeal part of the adoption hearing.

Court Process

All adoptions, whether handled by an agency or done independently, must be approved by a court. The adoptive parents must file an adoption petition -- basically a request for approval -- with the court and go through an adoption hearing.

Notice

Before the adoption hearing, anyone who is required to consent to the adoption must receive notice. Usually this includes the biological parents, the adoption agency, the child's legal representative if a court has appointed one and the child himself if he is old enough (12 to 14 years old in most states). States vary on the particular notice requirements, so check your state's laws.

Adoption Petition

A standard adoption petition will generally include this basic information:

• the names, ages, and residence address of the adoptive parents
• the name, age, and legal parentage of the child to be adopted
• the relationship between the adoptive parents and the child to be adopted, such as blood relative or stepparent
• the legal reason that the birthparents' rights are being terminated (the reason usually being that they consented to the termination)
• a statement that the adoptive parents are the appropriate people to adopt the child, and
• a statement that the adoption is in the child's best interests.

The written consents of the birthparents or the court order terminating their parental rights may be filed along with the petition. Adoptive parents also often include a request for an official name change for the child.

Adoption Hearing and Order

At the adoption hearing, if the court determines that the adoption is in the child's best interest, the judge will issue an order approving and finalizing the adoption. This order, often called a final decree of adoption, legalizes the new parent-child relationship, and usually changes the child's name to the name the adoptive parents have chosen.

Lawyer Involvement

If you do not use an agency in your adoption, you will definitely need to hire a lawyer experienced in adoptions. Even if you do use an agency, you may need to hire a lawyer to draft the adoption petition and to represent you at the hearing. Although there is no legal requirement that a lawyer be involved in an adoption, the process can be quite complex and should be handled by someone with experience and expertise. When seeking a lawyer, find out how many adoptions he or she has handled, and whether any of them were contested or developed other complications.

Copyright © 2006 Nolo

If you have children, you should choose a personal guardian -- someone to raise them in the unlikely event you can't.

If your children are young, you've probably thought about who would raise them if for some reason you and the other parent couldn't. It's not an easy thing to consider. But you can make some simple arrangements now that will allay some of your fears, knowing that in the extremely unlikely event you can't raise your kids, they will be well cared for.

All you need to do is use your will to name the person you want to be the "personal guardian" of your children if one is ever needed. Then, if a court ever needs to step in and appoint a guardian, the judge will appoint the person you nominated in your will -- unless it is not in the best interests of your children for some reason.

If you don't name a guardian in your will, anyone who is interested can ask for the position. The judge then must decide, without the benefit of your opinion, who will do the best job of raising your kids.

Naming a Personal Guardian

You should name one personal guardian (and one alternate, in case your first choice can't serve) for each of your children. Legally, you may name more than one guardian, but it's generally not a good idea because of the possibility that the co-guardians will later disagree.

Here are some factors to consider when choosing a personal guardian:

* Is the prospective guardian old enough? (You must choose an adult -- 18 years old in most states.)

* Does the prospective guardian have a genuine concern for your children's welfare?

* Is the prospective guardian physically able to handle the job?

* Does he or she have the time?

* Does he or she have kids of an age close to that of your children?

* Can you provide enough assets to raise the children? If not, can your prospective guardian afford to bring them up?

* Does the prospective guardian share your moral beliefs?

* Would your children have to move?

If you're having a hard time choosing someone, take some time to talk with the person you're considering. One or more of your candidates may not be willing or able to accept the responsibility, or their feelings about acting as guardian may help you decide.

Choosing Different Guardians for Different Children

Most people want their children to stay together; if you do, name the same personal guardian for all of your kids.

You can, however, name different personal guardians for different children. Parents may do this, for example, if their children are not close in age and have strong attachments to different adults outside of the immediate family. For instance, one child may spend a lot of time with a grandparent while another child may be close to an aunt and uncle. Or, if you have children from different marriages, they may be close to different adults. In every situation, you want to choose the personal guardian you believe would be best able to care for each child.

Choosing a Different Person to Watch the Checkbook

Some parents name one person to be the children's personal guardian and a different person to look after financial matters. Often this is because the person who would be the best surrogate parent would not be the best person to handle the money.

For example, you might feel that your brother-in-law would provide the most stable, loving home for your kids, but not have much faith in his abilities as a financial manager. Perhaps you have a close friend who cares about your kids and would be better at dealing with the economic aspects of bringing them up. Provided that your brother-in-law and your friend agree, you can name one as personal guardian and the other as custodian or trustee to manage your children's inheritance. (See Leaving Property to Young Children.)

If You and the Other Parent Can't Agree

When you and your child's other parent make your wills, you should name the same person as personal guardian. If you don't agree on whom to name, there could be a court fight if both of you die while the child is still a minor. Faced with conflicting wishes, a judge would have to make a choice based on the evidence of what's in the best interests of your child.

Again, talk with the people you'd each like to name. Candid discussions with your potential guardians may bring new information to light and help you reach an agreement.

If You Don't Want the Other Parent to Raise Your Child

If one of a child's parents dies, the other parent usually takes responsibility for raising the child. This, of course, is what most people want.

If you are separated or divorced, however, you may feel strongly that the child's other parent shouldn't have custody if something should happen to you. But a judge will grant custody to someone else only if the surviving parent:

* has legally abandoned the child by not providing for or visiting the child for an extended period, or
* is clearly unfit as a parent.

In most cases, it is difficult to prove that a parent is unfit, unless he or she has serious problems such as chronic drug or alcohol abuse, mental illness, or a history of child abuse.

If you honestly believe the other parent is incapable of caring for your children properly, or simply won't assume the responsibility, you should write a letter explaining why, and attach it to your will. The judge may take it into account. Judges are always required to act in the child's best interests. In choosing a guardian, a judge commonly considers a number of factors; you may want to address them if you write a letter explaining your choice for personal guardian. Here are the big ones:

* the child's preference, to the extent it can be ascertained
* who will provide the greatest stability and continuity of care
* who will best meet the child's needs
* the relationships between the child and the adults being considered for guardian, and
* the moral fitness and conduct of the proposed guardians.

Making Your Wishes Known to the Guardian

Most people have strong feelings about how they want their children to be raised. Your concerns may cover anything from religious teachings to what college you'd like a particular child to attend.

One option is to write a letter to the personal guardian, outlining thoughts and feelings about how the children should be raised. Try not to put in too much detail, though; it could cause your nominee much guilt and frustration later if unexpected circumstances thwart his or her attempts to carry out your plans to the letter.

The best guarantee of an upbringing you would approve of is simply to choose someone who knows you and your children well, and whom you trust to navigate life's complexities on your children's behalf.

Copyright 2005 Nolo